Life Takes

Didn't mean it

2011-04-10T00:28:00.000-07:00

In the labyrinth of life we treaded together through thick and thin

But lost I was, so utterly, with just one faltered step away from you

And all the right steps taken before didn’t even matter.

Like the each railing of the track of a train, we became

Heading for the same destined end, but on parallel paths.

Can’t for miles see our ways merging, even beyond horizon.

I could sit with you for hours without saying a word

And could walk away feeling we had the best conversation

where we were comfortable in not needing to fill in gaps of silence.

Or I could sit with you for hours rambling on incoherently

Speaking about everything under the sun without mincing words

Because I know you wouldn’t judge me even if I spoke utter nonsense.

Enraged, ‘I won’t talk to you ever’ was what I said

Alas, this time you couldn’t perceive that I was talking gibberish

And that I didn't mean a word I said.

Thickest friends we were, our intimacy and friendship all assured

I hurt you inadvertently just once. Bitterness remained on,

And all the sweet moments we laughed together were all forgotten.

Turning Back Yesterday

2011-04-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

Retrospecting from a distant future point in timeline I can say that what I did was completely wrong. Standing where I am today I can for sure blame the reason of the events of the past on me. But why didn’t I even have inkling then that my future self will regret the mistakes my past-self did. I get far-fetched and crazy thoughts in desperation to make everything alright again. Maybe I should use a time-machine and undo that event? Maybe I should invent an analyse-o-metre to guard me against doing such awful and silly mistakes again?

Maybe my sense of premonition that was supposed to warn me about ensuing threats to relationships was numbed at that time.

As of today, I can say that a tiny misunderstanding creates the biggest voids in best of relations.

As of today, I can say that relationships are fragile like glass. Pleasurable to have if handled carefully. But one reckless slip from your hand and you lose it all. A vitreous structure carved out elegantly now. A thousand gleaming pieces next. Only tiny shreds of glass strewn on the floor remain to reminisce the beauty of it. But pick up a piece of it , and there it gives a nasty cut on the hand as a reprimand that you were reckless enough to let it go, and make it crash tumbling to the floor only when you thought you had it all and owned it completely.

If I could ever write a book on this then I would christen the title as ‘the two mistakes of my life’.

One -imagining rubbish and squashing down a beautiful gift of love and friendship with my own hands. I remember every Christmas, I would write to Santa, that I be given someone to share and care. It was there right in front of me but I was foolish enough to let my egos blind my way. She moved on, but I couldn’t.

Two - Not trying to break the ice after I argued with Neil and being egotistic to say sorry on time. The stance of being not in talking terms stretched for too-a-long time and now it doesn’t even matter to my friend that I don’t talk to him at all. He was used that way…of me being non-existent and ignoring him completely. He doesn’t care anymore now. He thinks I don’t care too. But the truth is I do. Very much.

What all can I do now? I can regret. I can cry. Alas I don’t have a heart brave enough to say that word.

I know things will be mended and will fall back into place with that one tiny but powerful word.

It is true. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

If You Only Knew

2010-11-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

She wanted to go home to celebrate her birthday with family. I was adamant that she should celebrate it in the hostel with her friends. With her best friend. Me.

I was confused thinking about the right gift for her from many days. She was my good friend and how could I ever repay her and let her know how special she was to me. Birthdays are the perfect time to express love and friendship and let one know how important that one is.

Greeting card? Chocolates? Trendy anklets? Branded watch? Teddy bear? Plaster of Paris show piece? Parker pen? …………

Finally I zeroed in on chocolates. I bought a gift for her many weeks in advance and waited more than her for her birthday to approach. She has a sweet tooth…just absolutely adores everything sweet and chocolaty! I went to the Forum mall where I know a shop which sells candies, confectionaries and chocolates exclusively. An ultimate place not to be missed by any choco-lover! I selected the best assorted foreign chocolates in all flavours- choco with rum, raisins, almonds, orange, strawberry, melon, tooty-fruity....

Finally it was the day of her birthday. With the gift of chocolate pack, I attended her birthday bash. She was cutting the cake. I went near her expecting I would be the first person to get a bite from her cake as normally best friend gets that chance. I stopped in midway shocked that she was feeding another two girls the first piece of cake. She made a new best friend and completely ignored me which broke my heart! Everyone who thought we were best pals were surprised too and wondered what went wrong between us. I was embarrassed and just fiddled with my cell camera pretending to click photos of them and acted as if I am very cool with this unexpected new development. A shocking twist in the tale it was!

I didn’t feel like staying through the rest of the party. This new development was not sudden, I admit. It was right there in front of my eyes, but I failed to see it would be this harsh on the face. Of late our friendship was going through a rough phase that I should have foreseen it. But completely ignoring me was too inconsiderate and callous on her part. I would have never done that even to my worst of enemies.

The gift of chocolates with its shiny wrapper lay in my hands. Waiting to be given and to be received. I clutched it tight unable to find a way to wade through the crowd and give it to her. She was the cynosure in the party hall, dancing, laughing loud and having the best time in the world with her new friends. That’s right also. It was her birthday and she was supposed to be happy. And I was wrong to take things for granted and not trying hard enough to not let her go. I was wrong to be jealous that she found new friends. Maybe I couldn’t make her happy. Maybe I couldn’t be what she expected from her friend. Maybe…

I called her on her mobile to wish even though I was a few feet away from her. She received it coldly as if I was some stranger. That’s what I am now to her –a no-one, just another random person she came across.I walked out of the party.

I threw the gift on the way into a trash bin. It was useless when she wouldn’t acknowledge with how much love I brought it to her. How unlucky was my gift that it couldn’t accomplish its intended destination!

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

2010-11-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

*Purely fictional*

The thought of moving into a bigger city leaving behind my best friend scared me. I thought I would be alone all left to myself. Soon I was lucky enough to find one.

She became my new good friend in the new city. I had someone to talk to and laugh along with. Someone with whom I can catch up a weekend movie and relax in a fast food joint. Someone to share my secrets and and do the usual girl gossip. Everything was going fine but then some turn of events made misunderstandings to crop up in between us. Maybe it was her mistake or maybe it was mine, but nothing can revert back our friendship like the way it used to be before.

I admit I was less caring. I couldn’t give everything she was looking for in a friend. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I didn’t indulge too much into her personal life. I thought I knew where to draw a line. I thought that’s what people want and appreciate-privacy. If she went out somewhere alone, I didn’t bother to ask her where and why. I respected her privacy and didn’t go knocking on the doors of her private life.

One day this third girl came along between us. She was the poky type….the one who pokes nose into other’s matters and digs in personal information. My friend thought that’s a trait to be a caring friend- to enquire into personal life. She would knock on the doors of her private space until she opened. They would gossip on and she would pour out every detail to her which I didn’t bother to know about. What she found as a caring nature I found it as an intrusion. Slowly their frequencies matched, they clicked on well.

I had faults. But even she did. If it wasn’t for my take-it-easy nature, I would never have forgiven the way she used to insult and hurt me in front of everyone wittingly or unwittingly. Or how she wouldn’t let go one little chance to poke fun on me and make me the target of her jokes.

With this third girl, we became a threesome. This third girl brought in another girl into our pack and yeah we had a fourth girl also in the picture. I was jealous. It used to be great before….just we both and we would hit the city on weekend and would have a great time. But with this pack thing, I had a difficulty moving along with them. My frequency didn’t match with them and I was the odd one out. They would laugh at a joke which I thought was very silly and keep wondering if I am dumb to understand wise jokes. The things which were funny to me weren’t to them, and they would keep a weird look on their faces wondering why I found that actually funny. I would remain silent in the pack and they conveniently ignored me as if I wasn’t present physically among them. Even if I was lost on the way, trying hard to catch up with their fast pace, they wouldn’t have bothered to stop and look for me. That’s what happened later. I was lost. I wandered onto a different road and found myself all alone.

Suddenly I was not the first person whom she would call up first to share excitedly any good news. Nor was I the person, she considered apt to discuss her sorrows to be consoled. I wasn’t the person she thought to be fit enough to be in her pack to hit the city on weekends. Nor was I the person she and her pack bothered to call along to join them for lunch and dinner in the mess. I wasn’t the person who had a chance to get the first bite from her birthday cake….the piece normally reserved for a best friend. Nor I was I the person she counted among her friends deserving her birthday treat at Mc Donalds. I wasn’t the person with whom she would sit next to in the bus. Before I would keep a seat for her and we both would enjoy the morning bus ride together listening to music. Nor was I given the special embroidered suits of which he hometown was famous for. She promised she would get them to me, back when we were just two and good friends.

I want to tell her that I am sorry if I did a mistake. I want the misunderstandings to evaporate. I want her back on talking terms where we would go on talking because we really wanted to and not because saying ‘hi, hello’ and exchanging pleasantries is a formality.

I wish I could turn back time. She moved on with her new found friends and doesn’t need me anymore. I still miss her. Alas, nothing can repair our tattered relationship gone disarrayed beyond anyone can repair.

Airborne

2010-11-09T08:57:00.000-08:00

Running with echoing footsteps

on my terrace

flying paper kites colourful and bright

Watching my kite conquering the sky

splattered with clouds

soaring with birds taking flight

I felt bitter sweet nostalgia gripping me

going down the memory lane

Reminiscing childhood days

when I've flown kites and paper plane

I wish I were a kite

escalating to heights

creating rungs to the sky

chasing unfulfilled dreams

eyes with leaping imagination

discovering new lands

across the unknown boundaries

challenging the gusting winds

unceasing to ensuing predicaments

I'm at awe, at how just a bit of paper

grows wings and transcends horizons

while I'm here grounded for life

yet to sprout roots underneath

I wish I were a kite

with wisdom controlling my chaotic sanity

like the string monitoring the kite

from running amuck

Windowless Soul

2010-11-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Pressure at work?
Betrayed in love?
No reebok shoes?

Unnerving exams?
Lost in contest?
Unpaid dues?

You think you’re the only one in misery
That God doesn’t answer to your plea
Well, he doesn’t answer to my simple query--
I ask him how different is blue from green?
The rainbow colours unheard and unseen

And why they say spring is so colourful?
That poets, lovers, artists muse and cherish
I want to rhyme, kiss and paint dreams on canvas
Unmotivated, I ink about a dreary life, an unfulfilled wish
As my mind is trapped, God forgot to create windows
Canopied from inspiration and beautiful visions to relish

The ocean waves kissing the shore
Is it a sight worth dying for?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder how you are!
In my mind’s eye, I do imagine, the ocean and the night
But am I doing justice to its beauty by envisioning it right?

Acknowledging the world by feel and touch
I feel the warmth of a loved one’s hug and cuddle
The velvet petal’s silkiness they call a daffodil
Walking barefoot on grassblades the dewdrop’s tickle

Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me do I look like a doll?
They say that I look so pretty…
Do they really mean it or say just to keep me happy?
I don’t understand how different beauty is from lack of it
That butterfly be admired, and caterpillar be trampled?
Is a rose so aesthetically different from a thorn?

They say my twinkling innocent eyes
glimmer like molten gold
Oh but of what use? Lifeless vestiges,
numbed to the perceptions of the outside world

The only colour I know is black
They say grass is green, sky is blue
You should tell me…is it really true?

I hear the ringing innocent laughter of a child, oh so pure!
Is his smile genuine reaching eyes? I wonder
I smell the lingering fragrance of newly drenched earth
And wish to witness the sky pouring out silver shower
I hear the melody and tune of the humming bird
And wish to see it sucking nectar out of perfumed flower

Trapped in a murky dark inferno
I close my eyes, all I see is stygian black
I open my eyes, I still see shades of the same
Keeping my four senses open,
With every step I take, venturing into the mysterious
Being beware of the ensuing hurdles,
Foraying into chasm of obscure shadows
I tripped, I was knocked, I was hurt and hit,
I bled to sanguine liquid drops they called blood

And you say you’re the only one in misery?
That god was unfair to you?
Yes, you are not as gifted as I am!
I’m spared to see the aversion mounting among mankind
Where the innocence of a child is stripped and cashed.
Reverence, candour, integrity --the words of yesterday
Kindness, compassion, civility --the virtues of history

What’s left in the world to see?
Deteriorating values and ethics of humanity?
Fraud and deception taking over fairness in quality?
Discrimination and discord wiping out unity?

Behind money and fame, on a wild goose chase
To appreciate small joys you don’t slow your pace
The rose, sky, butterflies and sun rays

A person’s negativity over his goodness is all that you see
I pity you! That way, pretty rotten place the world would be
You think you’re the only one in misery?
That God doesn’t answer to your plea?

Yes how true!

What went wrong?

2010-10-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

I couldn’t sleep last night, now that I know it is over between us. I was clinging onto a tiny hope till yesterday, that maybe things can become normal between us.The way they were meant to be. But if you want me to walk out of the door, I will happily do that. I still can’t make out what went wrong between us. Everything was so perfect. And you gave me a reason to live. I was so sure that you were the one for me. But suddenly…

I am not bitter anymore because I know what we had was for real. And if in some distant place in future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile to you with joy and remember all the good time we spent with each other. We laughed, cried, loved, and above all we connected. You were the one with whom I could speak my mind with no inhibitions, without the fear of being judged. You were so approachable and understanding. We shared identical interests and you were the one with whom I could discuss leisurely on the couch about anything under the sun….our favourite football player, our favourite band or anything silly or serious. Life has become so tough without you.

I miss the jokes we cracked and laughed staying up all throughout the night, wishing the day would never come. I miss the endless marathon conversations we had in phone. I miss listening to you strumming the guitar for me and singing love songs.

Everything reminds me of you. Walking on the street I see our favourite fast food joint, our favourite movie theatre, the park we frequented. I see the penthouse with garden and picket fence we planned of buying and decorating the home of dreams. I see the big tree with blossoms under which we had our first kiss …which is now barren and stripped in the autumn. I see a kid with balloons and get reminded of how you would always bought balloons and kites for me. And how we ran to get my kite flying in the air which refused to go more than few feet from the ground. I could revisit my childhood with you. I see the lane on which you taught me to ride your bike. You were so protective that you would never let me go and ride on my own. You were always there to catch me if I fell. Where are you now?

I know you would intentionally lose in the game of basketball when we played together, even if you were on the winning side, just to see me happy.

The diamond ring that you gave when you proposed me, still adorns my finger. It was so sweet of you to spend all the money you were saving for buying your favourite sports bike for the ring instead.

Though you boast that you are so macho and never cry for anything at all, on that day I saw you shed tears, muffling your cries under the pillow, when I was critical in the hospital after meeting with an accident.

Did I tell you that I knew you substituted the dead goldfish in my aquarium with new ones? You knew I would be upset as those poor things died just because I didn’t know how to feed them right. You substituted them with new gold fish from the pet shop while I was sleeping, thinking that I would never discover the change.

Every Sunday we would go trekking so far that I would be so tired walking. You would carry me and I would snuggle cosily wishing to be nowhere else but here, surrounded by your gentle arms.

I see our old photo album everyday. Those moments captured when we had genuine smiles on our lips. We knew what happiness meant. It was so tangible and we owned it. For how long do I recall you from a still photo? Last night, I wanted to dream about you, but I couldn’t imagine your face. With passing days, your face seems strange to me. I am beginning to fear I will forget you. Your image and voice is fading from my mind. I am forgetting the pain you inflicted on me by deserting me suddenly. I don’t want my heart to heal from the pain you caused me. It is the only reminder of you that I have with me.

You never told me what went wrong. You didn’t give me a second chance to mend my mistake, if I ever did. No explanations…no answers…out of the blue you wanted me to walk out of your life. Just like that.

Walking on the street, I listen to a distant unfamiliar ringing sound. The resonance of laughter from a couple who are in new found love. The sound seems so alien and strange to me. I have forgotten to laugh. I see no reason in it. I am lost without you.

I want you to be happy with the life you’ve chosen for yourself. It hurts that I am not a part of it. I breathe you out of my heart and pray for the strength to stand strong without you in my life. I will always be grateful to you, for being my confidant, my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I wish you find someone better than me, who will keep you happy forever and will sustain your interest throughout.

I just have one small request.

Please don’t break her heart.

Frozen Desires

2010-10-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

I am so happy!

Today has to be the happiest day in my life. The below zero temperature outside with breezing snow is so contrary to my present mood- so bright, brimming with happiness as warm as summer sunshine. Today I shall reveal my feelings to him. Now or never, I decide. For how long do I hesitate fearing his reaction? I am sure he will respond positively. My gut intuition never lets me down. I can see it in his every gesture, the very way he looks at me longingly, speaks volumes about how much he adores me. But yes, I know he is shy to propose. Just like me. But I shall make things easier for us.

Fresh roses! Bright red! I stop near the florist and buy roses. Roses have so rightly been symbolic of budding love for long. The beauty of the petals standing for the splendour of charming love. The thorns standing for the difficulties one has to face through to succeed in love. I can smell the pervasive fragrance of love in the air. Yes today is the day! What is it with love? Everything feels so poetic and beautiful- like the white specks of falling snow dotted against the red backdrop of the rose.

After one whole year of silently and secretly admiring him, the secret can no longer be contained in my heart. Love just one thing? No, love is to show, to express, to spread, to feel, to reciprocate!

I invite him for dinner to my place. The flickering fire burning in the fireplace makes the room very warm and cosy. He catches the look of delight in my twinkling eyes. He feels the electricity in the air… expecting something that will prove to be the biggest moment of our lives.
What is it with love? Can you read each other’s minds? As if there’s an invisible bond connecting our hearts. Thinking alike and feeling in unison…

The roses wait to be given and to be received…to be held testimony of our love. Relaxing, on the sofa, by the fireplace and watching the fire dancing brightly he says, ‘Today is the best day in my life dear!’

How right I was that our love was a mutual feeling!

‘Yes! Mine too!’ I say

‘I am glad you feel happy for me.’

‘I feel happy for us’

‘I waited for one whole year. Never got this chance.’

‘What? One year? You too?’

‘And finally Rachael agreed to marry me!'

‘Oh? I am happy for you. Truly!’

‘She has made me a happy man! I will leave now. Thanks for the lovely dinner’

I see his silhouette fading away with the growing distance, and try hard to fight back my tears. He for even once doesn't glance back. Love just one thing? No it is to hide, to sacrifice, to conceal, to forgo, to hurt!

The flames in the fireplace dampen long after he leaves, but the ashes keep burning…just like my fiery hot tears that stream down my cheeks. I throw the rose out of the window into the harsh wintry snow. It lays there, ignored, frozen in the chill, and piled below the sheets of ice and snow.

Whom could I blame? I kept listening to whatever he didn't utter. Without any reason I weaved high hopes. I presumed his unvoiced feelings. I took his love to be granted, conjuring love out of thin air, when it really didn’t exist.

Weeks fly by. Seasons change. Nothing is temporary.

The ice melts and the first rays of spring sunshine streak through the dried, barren stems of the trees, and touch the ground. As the layers of snow disappear one-by-one, I see my rose wilted and withered ashen brown.

Delusional Love

2010-09-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

Please go away from my life. Since the moment I met you, I’ve been obsessed day and night about your thoughts. If I didn’t meet you, I would have been so sure about my future plans….going abroad and finding a new world and career that I always dreamt of. But then those career aspirations got replaced and gave way to your infatuated dreams from the day I met you. Suddenly you took priority over my career plans. I was so sure about my calling…about what I would do with my life. After you came my crystal clear goals vapourised into haze. My dream crashed headlong before it could take wings and soar high in the sky. I dropped my one and only chance of flying abroad and making my dreams true…but for what..? only for my love to be insulted and dismissed as a silly crush by you later. I waited in vain. You ridiculed the fervent love I possessed and said it would fade away. I stayed back, lost my chance and lost you too. A complete loser in life.

I call you, but you always reply that you are in traffic. We both know, that I know that you lied. Such a flimsy excuse? Nowadays you are not even bothering to devise clever excuses and that I would find out your excuses stupid and baseless. Even if I am hurt by your lies, it doesn’t matter to you anymore right? At first, whenever I called you, you would say that you could never be busy for me even if you were immersed in heaps of workload.

Whatever did I do wrong to lose you? Or did I ever have you to lose you?

I can’t blame you though. I am a no-one to you- no less than a faceless stranger. I know it is not right to pin hopes on a stranger. I know everything but still I pretend to be unaware of the obvious. It’s plain and simple. 4 straightforward words- ‘you don’t like me’ or better still are these 3 words ‘you hate me’ …but I want to turn a blind eye towards the conspicuous. I don’t want to acknowledge the truth and stay happy in the false world and castle of dreams I spin and weave of you. I want to hold onto the thought that everything is fine when it is not. I make myself believe that yes you are really stuck in traffic and keep waiting for you to call back which we both know would never come. Oh now maybe your network is busy or you ran out of balance…anything but the truth I say to myself to convince me than to accept the fact that you are avoiding me.

You may have your own reasons to avoid me. You may be right in not showing any interest towards me, but I will still be hooked on to you. Whatever happened to my self-respect? It is biting dust with everytime me wagging my tail like a desperate lovelorn puppy waiting for you to reciprocate.

When someone asks me if I am in relationship, I don’t know what to answer. Not that we are officially lovers but still I would be happy if I could confidently say about you. It leaves me sad when your name runs in my memory, it almost comes to my lips but I have to ultimately say ‘no’.

Aren’t you and me together? Tell me. I already know your reply. Reality hits hard. So I have built a virtual world where reality is obscured by delusional fantasies. I will satisfy myself with false expectations. I just can’t take no for an answer. It is too painful.

I can’t see my another dream crashing headlong like a flightless bird. It will take time for me to accept that is over. One fine day I might come into terms with reality. I will completely erase you from my memory and move on.

Until then…

Guardian angel

2010-07-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Inferno it was, dark and desolate
far removed, in the deserted underground
Faceless strangers were my friends
And were the only ones I relied upon

Buried in the hell, stifled I became...
Crawled towards the glimmer of light
A speck of hope at the very far end of the tunnel...
But couldn't see its direction, blinded that I was,
that eventually into the real world could liberate
from the shackles and boundaries of underground hell

Pleaded the passer-bys for guiding me to light
to the so-called friends of mine
Searched and screamed till my lungs ached
at the crest of my voice.
They refused to recognize me
labelled me as a stranger...

Pined for love, a touch ,a soothing word
Longed for a reassuring hand and for a 'real' friend

The friends I believed in, were far from me
Never could they hear me,
nor to my screams and cries of desperate help.
Screamed till I lost my voice.
Cried till my eyes were sore,
But never could they hear me...

Strings were suspended from above
And I was pulled towards the ray of light
Accustomed to darkness my eyes couldn't tolerate
the brightness of the outside world.
When I opened my eyes,
I was mesmerised to see the
beauty of the 'real ' world.
I was mesmerised to see her...

My saviour...

My guardian angel...

My best friend..

To Reeha- my best friend.For being my window into inspiration, joy and support when I was locked in a dungeon of utter hopeless moments and dejection.

Happy friendship day dear

Giving advice, to make things right...
showing you care by holding me tight.
When the road gets rough
and my life gets tough
You encourage me to get going
and our friendship keeps growing...

Discovering The Oasis Of Dreams

2010-07-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

The sun emanated heat mercilessly that reflected from the vitreous sand of the desert.The vast expanse of barren terrain stretched in all four directions till the horizon.

The sky was bright reddish orange blazing like a furnace. I shielded my face and body from the roasting fire with my hands but there was no escape from the sun rays which pervaded ominously. There was no shade anywhere in sight. Not even one faint streak of green till my eyes could gaze.

I was wandering barefoot beyond and forth in search of my dream destination- the oasis of life.

My legs quivered with fatigue. My lips parched and throat dried with thirst. The intensity of the heat burnt me up firing and twinging my skin and sucked up water dehydrating me. It felt as if someone was poking my throat down till the chest with a fiery fork.

The air felt papery thin and light in the heat and couldn't fill my breath. I had to take gulps of it from my mouth too, and though how much ever I sucked in with my laborious breaths, I felt dizzy and light-headed.
The gust of wind baked my airways as I inhaled.There was a tinge of blanched redness that coloured my skin. My sandpaper tongue stuck to the dried pallet and teeth.

My feet seeped in the heaps of sand, and it was very tiresome striding in the sinking sand. The soles of my feet were blazing in fire.

My thoughts were muddled. I could see wild imagery of sparkling water of oasis dancing in front of my eyes.The oasis- my dream destination. It disappeared the next second and reappeared again.

I couldn't distinguish reality from visions and mirages played hide and seek with me every moment deceiving my perceptions and tricking my every step farther away into the deadness of the land.

I wanted to howl and cry but the tears never came from my dry eyes.

I wanted to scream at the crest of my voice but only faint shrills came from my dry throat.

My heart was slowing down, the beats now only faintly audible and weak. I fell face down on the sand.

But in my innate heart I was happy- happy that finally I could have made it to my destination of oasis if I wanted to.

But you know what...I didn't want to. I decided not to proceed towards that oasis to check whether it really existed or that my eyes were just deceiving me. Perhaps I was afraid to find out the truth. I was afraid to bear the heart breaking disappointment I would have to go through after learning that the dream destination which was a part-and-parcel of my night's dreams, was actually just as barren and dry like the rest of the desert.

May be it would not have been a desert.Possibilities are there that it could have been an oasis- an oasis of life, of hope, of fresh spring and greenery right in the heart of the dry lifeless desert.

Sure I would have missed a lot by deciding not to venture there and confirming my doubts. May be the oasis would have given me a new life, being a quenching answer for my parching thirst.

But what if it was just like the rest of the desert? All the dreams I have spun for six years, thinking that, 'yes one day I will find my oasis , and then I will no longer have to suffer the drudgery of the desert' would shatter like a thin pane of glass in split seconds. How could I live through my shattered dream?- the very dream which is making me live in the first place...

So my dream destination was just a stone's throw away from me and I died a happy death in the belief that I succeeded.I could have actually walked there and drank the water from the oasis and lived, but I decided otherwise.

It was better to die happy in a false faith that there existed my destination right there at my reach and I've succeeded in my journey...than to have had discovered that my laborious efforts had bit the dust and that my journey set out to find my dream destination never actually existed.

Some dreams are meant only to be dreamt. In reality there are quite different from the virtual images you've created. Don't make an effort to make them true. It would be shocking to discover the truth that they don't stand up to the fancy image you've painted. Better just be satisfied in your dreams.

If wishes were horses...

2010-07-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

At this point of time I feel so insecure. The future is all bleak. I'm so scared about what tomorrow might bring to my life.

Is it wrong to dream and to wish? And it pinches so hard in the heart if the dreams don't come true. More so when you know you will suffocate doing something you don't like, being among people you connect to the least. And then there's something you love doing from all your heart, but the dream is almost impossible to achieve...

It wouldn't atleast hurt so bad if god didn't give the ability to imagine....the ability to dream.

But then again I think I can atleast be satisfied in my dreams momentarily...even though it is far-fetched from reality. It is my only hope...the only bright streak of light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Without dreams my life would be so boring , without any anticipation of what tomorrow would hold for me. I would lead my life, each day being the same as if I've already lived my entire life in this 20 years till the very end, just passing time to meet my end, seen everything already... my days without fun, pleasure and hope. What is the point of living such an uneventful monotonous life when each day is just the same?

Atleast in my wildest imagination, of which I have a control over, I can wish for my dreams to come true and spin a dreamy web of thoughts in my mind's eye and live with a hope that one day my life will become like how I want it to be. God might not fulfil my wishes, but he can't claim my dreams and imaginations right?

So I am happy I can atleast dream of a fun life. My dreams and wishes sustain me.They give me a chance to be everything I ever wanted to be, giving everything I ever wanted to have.

From The Oops Files!

2010-07-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

1) That day we were in pharmacology lab doing practicals on frogs. There were dusshera holidays from the next day and we all hostelers were excited to catch a bus and go home after a long time. But the frog experiments usually take a long time and extend even till night :(

No matter whatever excuses we would give to our lecturer to leave the lab early, he would flatly deny it.

My lecturer got engaged recently then. Disappointed that he was not allowing us to call it a day until we showed the results and that the last bus for the day would be leaving soon I thought of lying to him saying that I got engaged and my fiance was waiting outside the college for me. The fiance plan out of all because he was about to tie a wedlock in future and would better relate to my pining eagerness to meet the fiance. Clever , ain't I? Yeah, thank you thank you I know I had a very witty plan ! :p

Oh well, he gave special permission just for me to leave early and boy I was so excited to go home and eat food meant for humans after so many months!

Now no brownie points for guessing this:-

I forgot about that petty lie, but he remembered it so well even after 6 months. During the parent-teachers meet, before my dad he said, "So Aparna, I couldn't get to meet your fiance that day. When are you getting married?"

Oops!!!

My dad was shocked!

2) There was just 1 week left for 10th boards and my parents made sure that I literally lived an infernal life. They put a lot of pressure on me and imposed so many restrictions-- no T.V, no internet, no reading novels and comics, no meeting with friends, no text messaging friends etc. I would get punishments from my mom if I didn't stick to the study schedule she designed for me(sigh!).

My parents would visit the temple and pray that I perform well, every evening before exams. They would hide the T.V remote. But little did they know that clever Aparna just knows the secret place too well where mom usually hides things- in the kitchen rack! I had a hell good time watching TV whenever my parents went out.

One fateful evening when they went out, I dozed off on the couch with the TV switched on.

My parents returned from shopping and caught me red-handed.

Oops!

My mom was very cross at me. It is my belief that if she wishes me 'all the best' before the exam I will fare well. I broke rules and the next day she didn't wish me for the exam and till today I attribute my poor marks in maths for her not wishing me rather than my watching T.V before the exam :p

3) It was 10 in the night and the mess food was unpalatable, so we thought of eating out. My friend and I, dressed up well, like hot chicks and thought to have a good time at a posh restaurant. We spent extra time in getting ready and looking good.

Even the waiters at the fast food joint were so handsome!

The smart cashier at the cash counter caught my interest and I had an instant crush on him. We went to him and asked for the menu. My friend spent a lot of time in deciding the order, and I was devising ways to approach him for a small talk. Finally my friend ordered so many dishes for us. Boy were we very hungry! He took the order and asked to pay Rs.700.

Me: Ya, what are you looking at? Open your purse...

Her: What!!?? I thought you brought it along with you!

Oops!

We were clueless as to what to do next. I had a doubt whether my friend dropped the purse on the way somewhere....my cash and credit card and hers were in it. She is very forgetful. On top of it, this waiter who once felt smart and cute to me, didn't let us go and started demanding money in a harsh way that he can't cancel the order once it is entered in his computer.

It was so embarrassing and everyone were staring at us. We argued with him that he has to respect customers. We just blurted out whatever came to our minds, without thinking and the trick was to shout louder than him, at the crest of our voices to silence him. Finally we won as it was two voices against one and he let us go. I went pink with embarrassment as I didn't encounter such an incident that too in an up-society food joint and on top of that my crush insulted me! :(

We went back to our hostel without eating, and by the time we reached, the mess food was also finished. I slept on an empty stomach and with a broken heart :(

4) Once I and my friend returned very late to the hostel after shopping. We have strict rules that by 10' o clock the doors would be closed. It was 11.30 P.M. While we were in the shop we were unbothered about it, thinking we will plead warden and somehow get in. But we didn't have the guts to confront her while we stood at the gates. She would make a fuss by informing parents and impose restrictions for going out. It was a cold winter day and we were freezing outside. I wanted nothing more than sleeping on my cozy bed right then.

We finally decided to jump the tall and majestic gate. The gate keeper was away and we had to do it quick.I left my shoes and the shopping bags down and with my athletic skills climbed the gate and jumped to the other side. My friend threw my bags and shoes over the gate to me. She followed suit and left her stuff and shoes and climbed off the gate. With much difficulty, and scratches here and there and with a torn off dress she managed to climb to the other side of the gate, but then she realised there was no one to throw her shoes and bags to us.

Oops!

We didn't have the strength to climb again and recover the bags also. So we silently crept to our beds and thought to take her stuff the next morning. But the next day her stuff went missing.

Oops ! Oops!!

All her expensive dresses and books she purchased and her shoes....just went poof!

We couldn't complain to our warden also because with that she would know that we jumped the hostel gates which was according to her the biggest crime.

5) My dad brought 3 tooth brushes. Red for me, blue for my sister and yellow for my mother.

One day I went to the wash room and noticed that my tooth brush was wet even before I used it. I had a doubt that my sister got confused and used mine, so I went to ask her.

Me: Sis, did you use the red tooth brush? That is mine. Yours is blue or something right?
Sister: What? No...all these days I've been using red. Yours is yellow... I am sure.

Oops!

My mom: What!!?? Red is mine!! I've been using it all these days. You girls got confused.

Oops!Oops!

6) Once I was very angry on my sister for some reason. I wanted to take revenge on her. I added salt in her home delivered favourite veg sandwich which she ordered

The next day, at school's lunch break, being hungry I opened my lunch box. My heart sank after I ate a salty sandwich and spitted it out! I realised my mom being unwell couldn't cook anything and packed the same salty sandwich for my lunch.

Oops!

7) My cousin used to not allow me into my washroom.I was a kid then. She would store lots of expensive lotions and beauty products in the wash room cupboard. One day I sneaked in while she was away. I took some products and kept them hidden, tied in a towel. Congratulating myself on my small victory I went to the terrace and applied the cream on my face. Very happy with myself I was about to hide them under the staircase.Just then I bumped into my cousin coming down the steps and the lotions from the towel fell down right in front of her !

Oops!

It seems there were creams for eczema!!

Oops! Oops!!

8) It was August-time for juniors to join college. We were final year B.pharmacy students then and went to rag some new-looking timid faces and take a pay back because we too were ragged by our seniors. The tradition and legacy has to continue right?

We told one girl to count the number of coconut trees in the campus and give us the answer in half-an-hour.

She turned out to be M.pharm first year....that means she was our senior!!

Oops!

I counted 43 coconut trees in half-an-hour :(

9) As I am very kind, I decided to give proxy to my friend who bunked the class to catch up with a new flick. My absent friend got attendance that day.

When my number was called, the lecturer noticed me answering the roll-call twice

Oops!

He told me to butt out of the class and marked me absent :(

The cauliflower thieves

2010-07-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

I along with my mom, cousin and her family went to visit a Shiva temple in the outskirts of Bangalore. The countryside was so picturesque with lush green fields fresh with bountiful produce of vegetables and flowers. It was like a scene right out of farmville, only that this was for real.

We prayed fervently to God to bestow upon us virtues and keep us healthy, happy and prosperous. I went to the extent of writing series of letters full of demands and wish-list, folded it and kept it in God's chamber so that he will read it later and grant my wishes:)

The shiva idol was so majestic and divine that it commanded full faith and devotion even from me who usually claims to be an agnostic. He mesmerised me with his charisma.

After visiting the deity, we were walking along the fields towards our car. The fresh and voluminous cauliflowers on the field tempted us. The farmer was away and there was no one in sight so that we could buy them right from the field.

All our prayers to God to confer us with pure thoughts and behaviour went futile and we shamelessly pounced on the fields and plucked two cauliflowers...that too after visiting a pious temple to erase away our sins.

We all worked like a team of skillful and expert robbers. I and my cousin plucked cauliflowers from the wet soil, my mother took it from us and removed the leaves and roots, my uncle wiped away the soil, and my aunt kept the car doors open and pushed us inside as soon as the work was done and drove away so that we could escape fast.

We thought the next time we would come by these fields we should keep a knife handy in the car to cut and uproot vegetables easily and bring along lots of bags and later sell them at double the price in markets. At this rate we team of expert thieves can loot even a bank ! It is sad that right now we are just cauliflower thieves.

I am sure right now you must be cursing us and thinking that it is because of unscrupulous people like us farmers are suffering losses and committing suicides. But hey it was just two cauliflowers !

Maybe by the next time we go there, the farmer would be extra vigilant, and construct electric fences, laser alarms and sirens !

We were so thrilled with our shameless little adventure that it gave us a kick and we kept pitying and cracking jokes on the poor farmer. As this is off-season, they would have costed atleast Rs.20 each. Ya ya...I know all the hype just for such a small amount, but we were just beginners rehearsing before we can construct a master plan to rob a bank.

The aloo-gobi sabji my mom made with the stolen cauliflowers was extra delicious I tell you.

This petty theft of us reminded my uncle so many such naughty incidents that happened in his childhood. He narrated one such incident and our small theft seemed nothing in front of his crafty mischief.

My uncle in his childhood was so naughty and clever. He would offer help to his neighbour, an old lady, for plucking mangoes by climbing the tree. She would be very grateful for his offer. My uncle would actually throw more mangoes when that old lady looked away into the hay stack hidden at the other side of the wall than rightfully throw into the basket meant for her. She would wonder why there were so many mangoes hanging on the tree but only few of them in the basket :p

So finally I had a lot of fun time with my cousin and her family in Bangalore. We laughed at the cauliflower theft for half the day. Maybe that was what made the trip to the temple more special and memorable. Otherwise it would be just a normal visit to the temple.

On the way we found jasmine fields also. We bought them rightfully from the field by paying the farmer , so it isn't as thrilling as stealing cauliflowers.

I will make a garland out of those jasmine flowers and offer it to the Shiva deity next time I go to that temple and ask him to overlook and forgive my petty sin of theft :)

Dreams on fire

2010-07-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

The love letters scented in musk we wrote
the dried petals of the roses you left every morning
the love poems and lyrics we composed
the gifts,our photos,those greetings
the wonderful times we spent together, those abstract memories
the pages of my diary I filled about you every night......

You walked out of my life
without for once glancing back
But left these lingering traces
haunting and claiming my sanity

When I came to know
there is no more 'us'
But just you and me
gone in bifurcating ways
I decided to put an end to your memories
and sacrifice these reminders in the flames of fire

Years it took for me to nurture my dreams of love
but just a blink of an eye
for the incinerating fire to melt them into liquid dreams
Devoured the flames callously
Wiped them out from the chronicles of time
Undid the moments, erased out the memories

Scorched and scalded bits of paper
were all that was left of your love letters
Scarred and charred useless trash became all other gifts

For one last time before I could touch and feel the ashes
the cruel breeze blew off the ignited flakes of ash,
disseminated them here-and-there

With a sigh and a phew
When it is all done
I look into the mirror...

But it is not me who I see

Alas I never can forget you!

Incapable the fire was to burn the bonds which bound me to you
left those memories and scenes unblemished, untouched

I still see you...
your kiss...
your touch...
your love...
which warms my pulsating heart
gushing blood through veins
vitalizing every inch of my body

The record of every minute I spent with you,
is imprinted intricately in my memory
The past moments span in front of my eyes
playing in detail as if everything is happening right now

Still....
my heart contains love for you, swelling bountifully
my eyes refuse to vaporise your image locked in forever
my ears shamelessly long to hear you whisper my name

The brunt of your love which poisoned my body and soul
by burning the material traces will not be that easily obliterated

If your love is inseparable and a part-and parcel of my existence....
If I am your most striking remaining trace...
If you still exist in every drop of my sanguine blood....
If the passion of love burning in me can never be dampened....
If our souls are one intertwined for eternity that refuse to be apart...

Then how can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you?

How can I not end my existence to put an end to your memories?

How can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you??

The final day

2010-04-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I shall attend the last day of college. I'll be the last one to graduate after finishing my practical viva voce in Pharmaceutical analysis as my Roll number is last -- an embarrassing 69 out of 69 class strength. Thank God from now on I need not put up with giggles from my classmates due to its naughty implications whenever my roll number is called .I always used to wonder these 4 years why only this shameful number was alotted to me out of the infinite numbers available.

On the first day of my college, Jitendra sir told us that we have to stay here for 4 whole years which to me felt like a very loooong time and that it will take forever for my course to get over. As I've shifted 10 schools, I am in constant need of change and fresh faces around. But then I feel astonished as these days spanned by soon and before I knew it, here comes the final showdown tomorrow.

As I look back, I have seen so many happy days and sad days.

Sad days because--I couldn't cope up with politics played by classmates, the tough nature to sport and survival of the fittest game in hostel, rude behaviour by seniors, hectic schedule in practicals and theory classes, the exam tension, slogging from text books heavier than me, always missing home and mom, cursing the unpalatable and unidentifiable mess food, standing in queues for everything in hostel right from bathrooms to breakfast etc, petty quarrels with room mates over "I want to switch off the lights as I'm sleepy"....."No, I want lights switched on for studying!!!"

Happy days because I had ..umm...fun in my own measure (i always think fun is an over-rated word). Hostel life made me brave and tough and now I am confident that I won't feel like a fish out of a pond wherever I go. The gossips and chit-chats we girls had, the teasing, the fun-poking incidents, the pranks we played, imitating lecturers, cheating in the exam and devising innovative novel ways to copy right under the nose of the invigilator, the birthday bashes and b-day bumps, the way we shamelessly just need any irrelavant excuse like neighbour's sister's dog's birthday of our classmates to levy money and loot them bankrupt demanding to throw parties, flirting with boys, making them do all the practical experiments for us, asking the boys to recharge our mobile balance etc etc ...like how any other normal college going student enjoys his/her life.

I remember that in my 7th class, I had to read out a paragraph from my science text book aloud to the class. There was this word 'pharmaceuticals' and I didn't know how to pronounce it. I read it as ' pharma- "cute"- ticals' and my teacher instantly corrected me as 'pharma-"syu"-ticals'.

I didn't even know how to pronounce pharmaceutics back then, but now I hold a graduation degree in pharmaceutical sciences!! I love pharmacology branch in my course. My heart beats for it, as it is so interesting. I always scored outstanding marks in it. I hope to clear my PG entrance exam and do Masters in pharmacology.

Will I miss my friends and college?

No.

I've always wanted a change. I'm looking forward to the new college I can get into and the new people I can meet than feel sad missing my present classmates. I've grown out of them now. I did have fun with them and some memories I'll cherish forever. But I don't want my life to be stagnant and revolve around the same people.

My new pets - Pigeons

2010-03-31T23:27:00.000-07:00

We were in Ghaziabad, U.P , back then when I was a 5 yr old.
I remember nothing about our stay there except that there used to be many pigeons flying in the balcony and I used to get scared of them. I also remember eagles chasing and feeding on the just born pigeons.

During one harsh summer, a pigeon laid eggs inside our water cooler. Maybe it wanted a cool and comfortable home safe from the eagles, to incubate its hatchlings. Mom wouldn't allow me to switch on the cooler in the scorching heat nor did she move the eggs to another place. She was fond of the pigeon and primarily thought of its comfort over mine. I would curse this mama pigeon day-and-night and many-a-times thought of breaking the eggs while it went out for fetching food.

One day an eagle saw their comfort home and while I opened the windows to let in some cool air, it came in and snatched on an egg and flew away before my mom could come and shoo it off. I felt miserable for that unborn baby pigeon.

I started taking care of the pigeon as my pet. I would keep a watch on these nasty eagles and supply insects and cockroaches for the pigeon as food. After some days the eggs hatched into two tiny bald pigeons. They looked very ugly. They would squeak all the time in their screechy little voices and eat the food their mom brought till their stomachs got swollen and bulged out. I named them -Tini and Mini.

After only 2 days the eggs hatched into squabs(baby pigeons) my dad received transfer orders to another place and we had to leave those pigeons there itself. Even in my new place I would get reminded of them and wished they would stay safely from the greedy eagles.

(clicked photos this morning while the mama pigeon was away. I was very afraid that she would come and peck me thinking I'm harming her babies)

Recently another pigeon laid eggs near the window of the abandoned store room and those eggs hatched today. Meet the new age Tini and Mini. They are very ugly but cute at the same time. They stink a lot! And they made the place very dirty with their droppings and twigs :)

May be one day they will grow wings and fly away to find a new home. But I'll remember these tiny things and cherish this photo forever.

Article to The Hindu's Collegian collumn

2010-01-15T11:33:00.000-08:00

More than the news, 'media' is in the news these days

Media is irrefutably the fourth pillar of democracy,but it should not misuse its vested responsibility in the aegis of its constitutional prerogative of 'the freedom of press'.News channels in order to gain TRP's and to have an edge over their competitors are in a mad rush to telecast sensational tidbits in the name of 'breaking news' before others air it and in that process fail to check the credibility of the same.They compromise on facts and draw conclusions from vague data available,and by the time the authenticity is crosschecked, enough irrevocable damage would already have been done.The attack on reliance outlets and misquoting of Shashi Taroor's statements are just two such instances which clearly reflects media's professionalism or lack thereof.Editors of print media and heads of news channels should assert their reporters not to rely on personal views, biases, rumours and dubious websites and insist on fetching news only from reliable and verified sources.

Let me go

2009-12-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

Why did you let me go?

Wasn't I a big fool? To not see how much you loved me? Your eyes were a testimony to the brightly flickering love your heart contained for me. I ridiculed your love. I guess I took your love for granted. Like the ever punctual sun which rises at daybreak without fail. I overlooked the fact that clouds can clog the sun rays to streak through and give rise to perpetual darkness. Worse still, polar sky doesn't see advent of dawn as sun sinks below the horizon during winter solstice.You were my eyes, providing rose hued perspective to perceive the beauty of the world. And there I was, blind to even something right in front of me and pristinely visible, as the unconditional love you showered on me.

You didn't for once hesitate to entrust your heart---the vitality of existence, to me. But there I was, pinching the very same heart which loved me.

I was on a mission to lament on your every move, trying to pick out errors and reproaching at your otherwise too perfect character. I made it a point to torment you, and make your life a virtual inferno. You tolerated stoically saying not one word against me. You overlooked all my mistakes and held nothing against me. There was not a wee bit decrement in your irrefragable love for me.

I openly showed my growing disinterest towards you. I deliberately dissented with you,argued at every possible word you said and quarrelled over trivial matters. Anything to show that you were unwelcome now and that I needed you no longer. All those times, you stood mum and submissive, supporting my ridiculous point of view though you knew I was being illogical.

I did see you when you were alone and all by yourself, you would cry heartfully wondering at what might have possibly gone wrong with our relationship. Wasn't it just yesterday that I promised my love will be eternal, and will stand the test of time? And today I forget my own promise I made to you.I saw your eyes replete with tears unable to see my love diminish for you. You would blame yourself,ascribing my change in behaviour as your own fault rather than sensibly reasoning to my own sadism. Watching you shed tears, I would smirk that my whole plan to get rid of you was working.

You were there for me, when I went on risking my life seeking precarious adventures and chasing after false vanity.

When I ventured into the sea of storm, you were my harbour keeping me safe after ship-wreck.

When I was gasping for air, drowning in the dark waters, you were my breath and respite.

Eventually you saw that I was no longer happy with you. It disheartened you to finally come to terms that you were not the one for me. You realised that the relationship has gone far beyond the threshold that anyone could mend. You stepped back, retreated far away from my sight and from your heart-of-hearts wished that I find true love and everlasting happiness elsewhere

But now i ask you ....why did you let me go?

Even after all these years, I could not find anyone who would selflessly love back as you could. You realised that you were not the one for me. But you know what? I was not the one for you. I was a fool to reject your love

Now, I want to come to you, plead you to forgive me and accept me back. But then it dawns upon me, that it's too late. Our relationship has really gone beyond the threshold that anyone can mend.

It was a foolish thing to have you let me go. To be the reason of my own downfall. I conspired to free myself from the shackles of your protective arms. I thought it was your heart that I crushed. But it was my own heart that I stabbed and now it is bleeding profusely.

Sinking ship

2009-12-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

You are at the cross roads of life...

Paths-a-many lay in front of you...

You are clueless as to what to choose...

Do you know that feeling?

I feel it right now. And it stifles me.I'm here at the most crucial juncture of my life...where I need to make this one quick decision and save my whole life from tumbling and crashing down.

Once I decide there's no changing it. Or swapping it with something else. It's final. No time for regrets. No time to analyse if I've taken the right step or not.

I'm afraid when I think of the consequences. What if I falter and tread in the wrong road? On the road not meant for me...the road winding and curving into deeper darker abyss...taking me into unknown where I shouldn't have been. What if there's no light? What if there's darkness consuming me? What if there's no air to breathe? What if it is full of enemies and hostility ready to tear me down?

What if.....??

There are two main roads (many other smaller bifurcations which I can overlook--

One-- This is where my heart is. My love depends on it. My soul drags me into it headlong....and I am afraid if I will make a bumpy collision. For I don't know what awaits me. I am not even sure why my heart is being pulled towards it- into a place too dark where I can't see the end.So many conditions and practical considerations for achieving 'it'. But my heart says 'nothing else matters' and ' I don't care'.Tougher one also. For it is long and I need to sweat to toil it. But the fruits are sweeter eventually. If everything goes according to plan , then I am going to be the happiest in the world. The question is : will everything go according to plan? So there's a lot of uncertainty about it. It is based on so many impractical and irrational factors.

And then there's road TWO--The easier one. The sensible one also.Perhaps? Quick and comforting. But I know I won't be happy. I just know it. My heart will feel suffocated. It's far...too far actually. And I'm not too sure of it. Nobody I know has taken it. Do I overlook my heart's cries for desperate help when I choose this road? Should I stab my heart and turn a deaf ear to it? It actually is easier to not heed my heart. For to listen to its howling bothers me more. I might as well lock it and throw it somewhere. Oh crap, I might as well slash my wrists and make my heart to stop thumping. Do I venture far out in the desert where I know not one friendly soul just because it gives me momentary pleasure and pleases my vanity? For how long do I keep wandering in search of the oasis?

And then there's time constraint breathing on my neck, with that annoying tick-tick sound bothering me and preventing me from thinking clearly. People await my decision ...their constant gaze is on my foot wondering where I will step on.

I feel like an aimless sinking sink. A ship on the verge of a wreck, just awaiting and counting seconds before ramming into the ice-berg. I'm doomed anyway.No particular destination to report to... just aimlessly wandering and being carried by the dictating waves. My decision alters with the changing winds. Even faster than the bat of an eyelid. I'm unsure of 'it'...of myself...of my future....of my love....of my life....of people around...of why the bloody hell I was born in the first place?????

But then I can't just sit here and wait, while weighing my options and making a fool of me.

Special day

2009-11-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

It was a special day for me. Would it be special for him too?

I had no particular plans as such for my birthday. All I wanted to do is head to the beach and gaze at the orange sunset with him.

But I had to go alone. My heart was sure that he would still come later and erase my loneliness. He could be angry with me, but I know his anger would melt on my birthday. He would soon stand beside me to make us a sweet couple.

The beautiful sunset and its image glowing on the sea, waves splashing out against the rocks, cool breeze flowing by around......all this brought a smile onto my face. It is everytime that the sea looks this beautiful.

I don't know why, but I never noticed all this before. Maybe it was because, at those times all I used to think was about someone else.

But this time, there's no one else to think about.

With a broken heart and tears rolling down my cheek, I wrote 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME' on the sand.

Everything was the same...same place, same time of the year, sane sunset, same waves, same breeze....but the absence of him made a huge difference.

A wave came swirling and erased all those words. Others would mark out that as bad omen. But I considered those waves as a friend who came to wish me 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'.

All the sad memories and thoughts melted away and I celebrated that special day with the nature around. My loneliness on that day was hurting me, but those waves who came like an uninvited pal in my party were like a sparkle in the darkness and an elixir to my wounds.

P.S: Written by my 16 yr old sister, Akhila.

Acknowledgements of my upcoming book

2009-10-31T04:27:00.000-07:00

I thought of a wonderful plot for my novel which is going to be out in the near future. I hope some reputed publishers like the manuscript and agree to print my work. So people, watch out for author Aparna's upcoming book!

Here's the preview of the acknowledgements page just for the benefit of you folks! Well, they say that a work in development should not be revealed before it is ready, but here it is anyway.

A huge thank you--

To my Parents, for buying and letting me read novels rather than academic books. For their patience to bear my tantrums and pocket money demands.

To the Jayanagar street pirated novel sellers, for making all the wonderful novels available at an affordable cost. Never mind that some pages go missing and that the print is bad.
For taking pity on me and not trying to sell pirated copies of this particular novel.

To my best friend Reeha, for proof reading the entire novel and making umpteen suggestions. (Finally by incorporating all of them my novel didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be!)

To the heartthrob Nick, with love. For making me smile whenever I think of his name. For making me experience what love, fantasy and pain is.

To Edward cullen, for letting me imagine him as a temporary boyfriend until I find one. And for introducing me to fantastic creatures like vampires and werewolves to dream all night.

To my sister Akhila-the little menace maker, for giving me various ideas to write this tragedy novel.

To my Kolkata brothers- Prithwish, Anwesh and Aersh for being the inspiration behind writing fiction.

To maverick, for always kindling sparks of inspiration in me to write beautiful, heart-touching masterpieces.

To Ruben, for pointing me out that my life could be interesting too during the times I felt my life was monotonous.

To Ste and Rashi, for introducing me to a creative writers union called 'Writer's lounge'.

To Arun Kumar, Brocasarea, Ashish Gaurav, ani_aset, Aritra, NJ, cutestangel, Nazish R for always going through the kilometer long blog posts I write. Thank you for the patience.

To Nevil, for being Avalanche and making me his Kitty.

And here's the plot of my story.

Actually I only thought about the acknowledgements and how the cover page is going to be till now. I'm still racking my brains for a good story. So folks, pray that some brainwave strikes me soon!

P.S : Please refrain from buying pirated copies of my novel even if it costs Rs. 600.

The last reminder

2009-10-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

At 15, I hated dogs with a violent passion.

I had an instant dislike for this family who shifted recently opposite to our apartment, as they had a pet dog. My mom asked me to befriend the neighbour's kid in his late teens. I somehow had this impression that dog owners contract lice from its fur. So I altogether avoided him.

This dog barked all night disturbing my studies and sleep. It was tied near the staircase and everyone who passed that way, were at its mercy. All it used to do was bark and bark... and well for the rest of the time, it would nibble my shoes left in the veranda or chew my clothes left for drying on the terrace. In short, my new neighbours and their dog hampered my peace.

One evening I searched a lot for my missing palm sized teddy which I left in the verandah. I was pretty sure that the dog nibbled it away. 'That's the hell it!', I thought and marched straight to my neighbour's and banged on their doors. The boy opened the door.

He looked cute. I wasn't sure if he had lice or not, but I stood very far from him anyway. I told him how I hated his pesky dog. I accused it of nibbling my teddy.

"Lost teddy?", he asked.

" Yeah. It's my favourite."

" Umm....did you look inside the washing machine?"

" What?....Well, no".

" It might be taking a bath in that", he said as-a-matter-of-factly.

Inspite of my consuming temper, I found his words sweet and funny

I went to my mom and asked her about the teddy. To my surprise, she did put it inside the washing machine as its dirty fur needed a wash. I went back to the boy and apologised.

"Apologies accepted. You don't like Tini?"

" I hate all dogs. They have lots of lice on them"

" Hey, not Tini. Come inside"

"Okay. But keep that canine creature far from me"

We played PSP, and listened to punk rock. He taught me a good deal about computer and photo shopping. I had a great time with him.

I was deeply involved in a bike racing game, when I felt something tickling my feet. I looked down to see Tini licking me with its lolling tongue. Instinctively I kicked it off. It rammed the sofa and banged its head against it.

We both ran near it out of concern. I was relieved that nothing happened to it and the next second the hyper active pup started jumping again and licked me all over.

"It likes you"

I touched its head over where it hit the sofa. Its fur was so smooth and silky. No lice. I loved the way the fur brushed and felt against my hand. I took the pup into my arms and started stroking it. I happened to actually love Tini !

Vikram, me and Tini became great buddies. I enjoyed their company and hung around in their home often. We three went to evening walks on the grassy lane in the park everyday without fail

Some months later Vikram got busy preparing for entrance exams. He didn't have the time for me. I missed him so much and out of sadness and anger I started a petty argument with him which turned out into a big quarrel and we stopped talking for a week. The next day I was disheartened to know that our family decided to leave Bangalore and go to a new place in few days.

I didn't conclude my cold war and was not on talking terms with him even on the last day. I didn't allow him to say a proper good-bye to me. While we were about to head to the station, he came down and tried to gift me a Teddy bear. I refused to take it out of ego. When the car was about to leave, he said he was sorry and hurled the teddy inside the window. I looked the other way.The car finally left the gate and it was then that I thought beyond my silliness and the final realisation that I can see him no more dawned on me. But it was too far too late then to make amends. I left behind so much.

I didn't call him all these three years. He is so faraway from me. Hearing his voice would make my heart ache and miss him even more.

And whenever my teddy goes missing, the first place I head to for searching, is the washing machine.

**********************

Guess what?

Today I'm with Tini walking the same grassy lane in the park we used to stroll along for evening walks.

I'm in B'lore now after so many years on a college industrial visit. Since that I'm here I thought I might as well say hi to Vikram and Tini. I knocked his door expectantly but I was told that he's not here anymore. He's studying B.tech in Pune staying in a hostel. His parents went to US. Poor Tini was left in the nearby Dog care Pen. I went to the Pen. As soon as it saw me, it recognized me and started nibbling my shoes. I paid Rs.900 and adopted it.

Tini missed its masters. It has lost sheen on the fur due to lack of proper care.It has lots of lice now. But that doesn't matter to me anymore.

As tini trots along the lane nibbling the grass, I get reminded of those happy times and I feel a crushing pain. I hated all dogs before. Due to Vikram I now know how friendly, and adorable these things can be. I don't know where exactly Vikram is now. I'm not sure if I'll meet him again. But I do have the reminder of the good times we shared in the form of Tini. I am going to take good care of it. Mom might be against the whole idea of pets, but I'll convince her. And did I tell you that I now love dogs passionately? Agreed they have lice and all , but such things can be overlooked, right?

Signed, sealed and delivered

2009-10-24T10:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Love of the future,

Where are you? Why didn't you find me yet? Every night I lay in the corner of my room, on the cozy bed and look out of the window waiting for you. I think of a million questions which whirl in the air around me demanding answers.

How do you look? I hope you look cute and boyishly handsome. Do you sing well? I want you to hold me and sing lullabies to me as I sleep blissfully knowing nothing can harm me if I laid in your arms. We can sing duets together also. I want you to teach me guitar. I'm so lazy to attend the music classes. I can't dance that well. That won't be a problem to you, would it?

I want you to love me for who I am and not someone prettier or smarter. I'm a little shy, timid and nervous. Please don't mind that. When we bump into each other the first time, I might be bad at breaking the ice. I'm not so good with new people. But as I will get to know you, I won't be able to stop chatting. I can get so talkative without a break. Will you listen to me attentively or just pretend so like all my friends do?

Please say 'I love you' to me very often. I need to be assured from my insecurities. Please compliment on my outfits and say I look good everyday because I am a sucker for compliments. Oh and I should say that when I blush out of shyness or cry or laugh too much, my face goes pink and my eyes get small.

Please be patient with me when we go shopping. Don't expect me to pay the bills when we go on a date because for some unknown reasons I always run low on cash. And also, I will give only missed calls because I am a miser when it comes to mobile balance. Please promptly call me back then. Actually call me very, very frequently like 4 or 5times or even more in an hour.

I don't drink vodka. I hate to confess that it is too strong for me and I get serious hangovers even for one pint. I prefer wine. And I hate non-veg. So don't expect company from me when we head to Mc Donald's.I don't understand cricket. So it won't be fun for you if you are planning to watch IPL together with a witty girl with whom you can discuss and comment on the game moves, the cricketers and all. But I want to impress you. So I will ask my friend tomorrow to tutor me on cricket.

I hope you listen to the same kind of music like I do and read same kind of novels like I do. I want you to share my interests when it comes to books and music. It would be fun, to lay down on the couch and discuss about a common favourite band or our favourite author's upcoming book.

Can we build a tree house by the side of the sea and live secluded from the rest of the world? I need all the privacy in the world! Can we keep puppies as pets honey? My room mate's boy friend hates dogs. I hope you don't think the same. Please gift me two cute Lhasa dogs for my birthday this time. I have thought of their names also-- pebble and bubble.

Don't forget to wish me on my birthday. Be the first one to call me right at the break of 12. Let me tell you that I get really hurt when people forget my birthday. It's a touchy subject for me. It hits me on my nerves. So set a mobile reminder or something, and remember about it.

Don't ask me that we go together for a horror and scary psycho thrillers in the theatre. I get so scared you know. When my friends ask me to come for a horror movie, I can't refuse because they call me a chicken and poke fun on me in the entire class. So I'm left with no other choice than to shiver uncontrollably and close my eyes during the entire film. They get disgusted when I scream or cry also. I hope atleast you will understand me and take me out to those girly, frilly, romantic chick flicks. You know, the ones that guys don't normally relate to. Oh, I will let you go watch all those scary movies with your bunch of friends.

I hope you have a good physique. I hate fat people. Do you head to gym everyday? Naina's bf has gained weight recently and they look like beauty and beast together.

I won't ask you for all your time. I will give you your space, time and privacy. I won't panic that you broke up with me, even if it's a week that you called me. I will just reason that you are doing so because you are really busy. But I would be happy if you did call saying so.

I hope you will love me more than I could possibly love you. Please promise me that nothing would make your love waver or diminish for me. I hope it can get stronger by days and endures the test of time. Don't ever hurt me. I'm so sensitive and die-hard romantic when it comes to love. For me love is all about commitment and dedicating one's life solely to lover. You must think I read too many cheesy novels and watch romantic movies. But I believe in fairy tales. Can we live one together and happily ever after?

I am a dreamer and a very imaginative person. I believe in building castles and fantasies in the air. I want you join me in these fantasies and make them real and tangible.

Don't break my dream and fantasy. Don't call our relationship quits no matter what. If you happen to fall out of love from me, then deceive me, cheat me. Don't let me know that you are going on with some other girl. As long as I don't know, it doesn't matter right? Act smart and concote some cock-and-bull stories if I find a lipstick mark on your shirt, or saw you kissing someone. I am very naive, so I'll definitely buy it. As long as I believe that I am the only one for you, even though it is false and lies, it doesn't matter right? I just want you to know that I want to be with you together and love you forever even if you don't love me back enough.

I've already planned the way we will bump into each other the first time. It's going to be surreal and romantic. Rose and lavender petals are going to drop out of nowhere from the sky, there would be warm breeze blowing , smooth music playing by in the background and everything will go at slow-motion. Time would freeze then and there. Surroundings would become stagnant. You and I will be the only ones moving. I run from this end and you from the other and I fall into your arms and you kiss me. Then you whisper me those three magical words I always wanted to be told.You know like how it happens in the movies. Like love at first sight. We meet, like each other and live together all our lives.

When will we meet? I am here waiting for you high up in the castle, shackled by the witch of unfortunes. I won't let my hair down, so get a ladder beforehand. I hope you are strong enough to fight this mighty ferocious dragon. Get a horse and be my knight in shining armour. And oh, make the horse a black one, and paint its saddle in pink so as to match the colour of my pink lacy robes. Did I tell you that pink is my favourite colour. What's your favourite colour?

The castle touches the sky, so we can dance on the fluffy clouds and pluck the stars after you rescue me.

Like I said I love fairy tales. Can we live one together?

Forever yours

x0x0

Till death do us apart

2009-09-13T01:43:00.000-07:00
"Perfect" the maid of honour remarks, as I sway the embellished white bridal gown. She adjusts the coronet adorned with a wreath of Rosemarys and covers my face with a netted veil. She hands over a bouquet of red roses to complement my attire.

I ask the make-up artist to overdo the mascara of my eyes. I have to conceal my tears behind the shades of heavy make-up and a pretentious visage. As I breathe in the fragrance of the bunch of crimson flowers I check their colour which stands a striking contrast against the purity of my white frock.

Perfect on the outside. But I feel shattered inside. I am supposed to look high in spirits.

But I won't cry. Not today.

His words with a velvet touch flow into my memory. I shake my head to brush his thoughts aside. He is my past. I remind myself. A closed chapter.

With a sigh, I walk towards the centre aisle of the church from the dressing room.The page boy carries the train of my flowing gown escorted with the bridesmaids. At the entrance of the church I am greeted by the best man with a wedding bouquet and a kiss. The prelude of melodious music flows in. I walk towards the altar as the flower-girl spreads rose petals on the floor.

"All rise for the bride"

Every step resounds in my ears. The guests greet me, but I walk on by like a cold expressionless stone. My father smiles at me and walks arm in arm with me.

As the bridal procession towards the altar continues the minister performs the call to worship.
" We are gathered here in the sight of God and these witnesses to unite Rachel Adams and Eben Scott in holy matrimony. As followers of Jesus Christ, let us reverently remember that God has established and sanctified marriage, for the welfare and happiness of mankind.In Christ's holy name. Amen. "

I look down the the path and count the marble tiles. Anything to keep me distracted from breaking down and weeping in front of the 150 odd guests who gathered. I want to yell at the crest of my voice that I belonged to someone else. The path seemed to take forever.

But I won't cry. Not today.

As I near the stage, I do a double-take, unable to believe my eyes. A man at the farthest end among the guests attracts my attention. Praying Jesus that it shouldn't be him, I walk dilly-dallying.

My heart thumps loudly. It's him!

Who informed him about the wedding anyway? I wanted it to happen hush-hush and brisk before he would come to know of it and become heart-broken.

Why did he have to come here now?

What did he mean by gate-crashing at the event?

Didn't he know it was difficult for me already to marry a man I didn't love? It isn't easy! But I had to. I killed my heart and the love it contained for agreeing to this wedding.

He looks very pale. His eyes are not looking at me. They are penetrating through me and I feel the sharpness of his piercing glance boring through me. He seems to ask the question that I haven't dared to ask or answer myself.

The congregation is asked to seat. The ushers light the candles. The groom enters escorted by groomsmen.

" Who gives this woman to be married to this man? " Asks the priest.

" We do". Answer my parents.

Though I avert his gaze, he keeps staring at me. I pull down the veil to shield my face from his questioning glance. I feel my heart pulsating unrythmically and reverberating audibly to the priest. His look of despair haunted me throughout the wedding proceeding.

That feeling of distraught.

That feeling of helplessness.

Heartbroken. Crestfallen.

That feeling of being jilted and betrayed in love.

I search for him among the guests and take a mere glance at him just for a split second, and look down immediately, but not before catching the 1000 expressions that crossed his face all at once.

I feel a dizzy spell. My extremities feel so numb. Bucketful of emotions are consuming me and whirling me mercilessly.

This would have happened quickly and painlessly if he didn't turn up here uninvited.

Why is he making it difficult for both of us?

His eyes convey to me every word with sparkling clarity.

Come back to me this very moment. Even now it's not too late. For whose sake are you doing it anyway?

I feel like running into his arms and calling off the wedding. But I shouldn't be distracted by sheer display of emotion. I feel my world closing on me.

But I won't cry. Not today.

The priest before the statue of The holy Jesus chants the wedding vows on the The Bible.

"Eben, do you take Rachel to be your wedded wife and in the presence of these witnesses do you vow that you will do everything in your power to make your love for her a growing part of your life? Will you stand by her in sickness or in health, in poverty or in wealth, and will you shun all others and keep yourself to her alone as long as you both shall live? "

Eben looks straight into my eyes and says confidently "In the name of Jesus, I Eben Scott take you, to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow"

I don't feel myself. I don't hear a thing of the proceedings. I am so withdrawn into myself.

The priest looks at me and asks " Do you take Eben Scott as your husband?" The stern look on his face jolts me back to reality. Wondering for how long I've been a statue, I try to spill out those two words but they don't seem to come. Everyone wonders seeing my hesitation. Time and dimension freeze. After what seems like an eternity I manage to say I do, which sounds nothing more than a squeak and shows clear signs of stoical suffering though I intend it to sound confident.

Hymns are begun to be sung by the choir. The priest hands over the rings to us.

The Minister says "Father, bless these rings which the couple have set apart to be visible signs of the inward and spiritual bond which unites their hearts."

Eben says "Receive and wear this ring as a symbol of my trust, my respect and my love for you." Eben slides the ring over my trembling fingers.

Everyone in the hall wait for me as I fumble for words. I finally stammer "Likewise". I look at him past the groom. He stands expressionless.

The priest says " Now that you both have given themselves to each other by the promises, I pronounce you to be husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen "

The guests clap acoustically.

I expected him to intervene. But he stood there heart broken. It's all over now. I belong to somebody else now. I can feel him exploding inside. I mangle my fingers and dig into the flesh with my nails. Despite that I can't feel the physical pain of it. But my heart weighed down with excruciating pain.
But no, I won't cry. Not today
"You may now kiss the bride."
The groom lifts the veil and kisses first my cheeks gently. And then my lips. I can't feel a thing. Eben's kiss isn't anything like the warmth and sparkle of the passionate kiss of his. It is bland and cold. Eben senses my discomfort and lets me go.
The minister says " It is now my privilege to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Eben Scott"
The hall breaks into applause.
My eyes begin to moisten with tears.
But I won't cry. Not today.
I suppress my tears before they start to stream down. I betrayed him and that feeling claimed my conscience. I feel like a treacherous vixen with vile.
The groom slides his hand along my waist and excitedly takes me to the Bridal wain decorated with red roses waiting outside. The chauffeur opens the door for me. I get inside the wagon but my eyes search and pine for his sight. Maybe the last chance ever. He meant the world to me. He protected me like a harbour in an unexpected storm when I was like a vacillating wrecked ship. He was my pillar support admist the changing scenes of life. He made me perceive a world of true beauty.
But he is my past now. I can only hold onto those abstract memories.
I roll down the window pane, silently hoping for him to come out and look my way. To my utter dismay the wagon starts off to my supposedly new home. As the chauffeur veers off into another lane, a note comes swirling in the breeze and settles on my lap. Even before opening it, I know what would have been scribbled in anger.
Why?
Why did you betray me? I expected him to curse me bitterly.
But as I read on, to my astonishment, he doesn't seem to hold anything against me.
Look forward to the bright future this man wants to give you. Bury your past below profound depths. Have a beautiful life ahead.
It's hard to let you go. But I'll try. You deserve a better man afterall. Maybe we are not meant to be together. Seems like destiny had better plans for you.
Stay happy. Keep him happy. And just remember that out there in some corner of the world a man will be happy because you are happy.
As I finish reading the letter, my eyes brim up with tears. I can't control or suppress anymore. Now, at this moment, I break down and cry. Just this very day. Eben misunderstands and relegates my tears to a bride's cold feet emotions
Tears roll down my cheeks and pelter down on the note, wetting the paper. They smudge my pretentious make-up and heavy mascara. I wail and weep with all my heart for the injustice I did to him.
For the injustice I did to us.

Lovelorned feelings

2009-09-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

*Purely fictional*

I fiddle with my cellphone every moment, staring bleakly at it, wishing to hear your voice.

What will you be doing now?

Eating?

Sleeping?

Playing cricket?

Are you with some other girl?

Are you thinking about me like the way I do?
I dial the number.

988......234

But everytime it starts ringing I'm unsure of it and I cut the call.

I don't know why.

But I won't back off today. It's your birthday today. I've been waiting for this day more than you could have been waiting. This day that you were born is so special to me.

My fingers tremble as I clutch the cellphone in my hand. I don't have your number in my phonebook. I deleted it. Because everytime I see your name in the contacts, I feel pangs of pain. Everytime my phone rings, I silently hope the screen flashes your name. But you always disappoint me, don't you?

I don't need to save your number anyway. I know it by-heart. Every digit of it . I'll remember it after 50 years from now also, even if it goes out of service.

As I press each digit on the number pad, my heart races. Those 9 digits which belong to your phone. Just one press of the green button and I'll be connected to you and can listen to your voice.

988......234

With each ring, my uncertainty builds up. Will you receive me well? Will I be disturbing you? I wish that you won't answer the call in the first place and save me from any embarrassment. I will be jilted if you won't bother to speak well.

1st ring...

2nd ring...

3rd...

4th...

5th...

6th...

As I am about to hang up silently thanking god, I listen to your voice, sending jolts of electric tension all over me.

"Hello"

"Hi, What are you doing?"

"Who is this?"

Silence

" Oh yeah, you! I am fine"

"I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. And..."

"Listen I'm very busy now. Partying and all. I'll catch you later tonight if you're awake."

"OK...but..."

And I find myself wondering, holding a dead connection.

Trying to pull away from me? That's good for you because I'm trying to get away from you too. Forget about me. I'm just one of those fools you stumble across in life. I've started to forget you. Maybe its good for me too. I really wished to have you as a lover and be with you for the rest of my life. Who cares about that now? My life is doomed anyway.

I wish I could turn back the globe to the day I met you, and undo it like it never happened. Erase that moment from the chronicles of time. If it never happened, then I wouldn't be suffering and pining for your love this way.

Or wish I could wipe you away from my memory. Let my brain become necrotic and I get liberated from your thoughts.

Like you never existed.

Like I never knew you.

Sure I would have missed all the fun in knowing a wonderful being like you. But more is the sorrow that such a wonderful being can't be mine.

I feel very sad. I feel lost. The ' what if ' feeling grips me and stifles me.

What if you could love me back?

What if you had the same feelings for me?

What if we could be together for all our lives ?

Maybe 30 years from now I'll feel silly at having loved you hopelessly though you didn't reciprocate. I might even laugh at myself and tell my grand children snippets of how obsessed I was about you and preserved everything related to you... your photos, the chocolate wrappers you threw, the spent-up pens you once used, the letters I wrote but never intended to post, your finger-prints on the screen of calculator you borrowed from me that I cherished before it got erased forever.

Maybe I would curse myself later in life about loving a man who didn't tad bother to look at my way more than thrice throughout my school life.

May be I'll be with some other man 30 years from now.

But who knows...?... that other man could be yourself.

Yeah, here's the damned romantic facet in me, hoping against hopes, against all odds that I am living to see the light of the day, somewhere in the not too distant future, when we would be together.

Even if we are not together, I'll fantasy about you. You will be the man of my dreams. Atleast you can't claim yourself from my fantasies.

In my dreams, we would be soul-mates and you'll love me more than I could love you back. That much that if I asked you how much you love me, you would stretch your hands wide to cover the unending sky implying that your love for me is infinite, eternal, selfless and unconditional.

I can only hope for that, shouldn't I?

Moonlit blossom

2009-08-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

Adorned was the night sky,
with the full-moon ,
encircled by polka-dotted stars...

Petals of the inchoate night lily bud
unwrapped one-by-one...

The lustrous moon
enthralled the lily...

The lily was swept away
by the moon at first sight.

The moon caste its image
on the pristine waters of the lake.
Basking in the shimmer of the moon
the lily blossomed to its prime beauty
night- by- night into a fully bloomed flower.

Admired the moon secretly
from a distance…
Adored its aura scrumptiously
for many nights…
Attempted to lure the moon
by its luscious petals…

It anticipated eagerly, until twilight
for the moon to arrive
and illuminate the night sky
with its pervasive milkyness.

Wondered why its lover,
shrinked night-by-night.
Nonetheless, it was awestruck
at the variegated hues
and the versatile shapes
the moon transmuted into every night.

After a fortnight...

It amassed courage
to reveal its innate feelings.
The lily waited that night
anxiously for the moon’s arrival.

But alas the moon didn’t return that night.
With jaded dreams, the lily pined for its sight.
Dejected it was…

Confused it was…

Forlorn and forsaken in the cold, murky waters
it withered and perished that very night
and was immersed
to the unfathomable depths of the lake.

The bride

2009-08-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to my sister, Supriya who is a bride to be.

The dewy eyed bride
draped in bridal chiffon..
a complexion of molten gold...
tresses flowing down like a cascade of waterfalls...
adorned with glittering jewellery…

That’s how the bride
reflected in the pristine waters looked-- lovely and adorable.
But the image couldn’t portray my inner turmoil.

With every passing minute,
My heart loomed large on me
with doubt and apprehension…
Will he love me?
Will he care for me?
Will our minds be in sync?
My heart, it posed a thousand questions,
each demanding to be answered first.

There he was beside the holy fire.
An arranged alliance it was,
I only saw him from photographs
They are still hidden under my pillow
I furtively stare at them often.
But he looked something different in real…

Handsome and gallant he looked,
Trustworthy and cordial was his demeanour.
Light played through the edge of his hair
and made him appear like a guardian angel.

Besotted, I was swept away by his charm.

Finally the auspicious moment dawned upon…

The incantation of dulcet mantras…
The flicker of holy fire…
The fragrance of incense sticks and camphor…
Lingered in the environs.

As the ember blazed in the flame…
He held my hand, the warm touch, firm yet gentle
Stealing glances I dared to look straight into his eyes for a moment
His sharp eyes conveyed it all—
Silent, incorporeal promises he seemed to make—

“I’ll overcome all odds
and embrace every adversity for your sake.
I’ll keep you happy, my bride”

Reassured I looked down
with blushing cheeks, to avoid his glance.
All my apprehensions and frisson
dissolved into oblivion.

My heart leaped out
thumping audibly in my chest…
As the 3 knots were tied
bonded with trust and love…
The 7 steps were trodden
around the flickering fire…
For I00 years of togetherness
and lifetime commitment…

Revolving around the flickering fire,
as he led me confidently,
I experienced an epiphany of marital bliss.

I offered a silent prayer—
“May this marriage last till eternity
I’ll treasure this permanent union
and vow to stand by my soul mate
during the various vicissitudes of life”

Rants of a single life

2009-07-19T10:53:00.000-07:00
Being single is like a double-edged knife. Weighing its pros and cons, here's a self analysis post.

Single life : A bane?

Being single has a lots of negatives. Firstly life is very dry,dull and dab. I feel jealous of all my friends who are committed. They are always happy and keep smiling for no reason. I wonder if it has something to do with their boyfriends.

1)They excitedly run to their phones when it rings hoping it would be their bfs. While, I get annoyed and curse my mobile when it rings, only to disturb me.
They giggle to themselves reading sms's from their bfs and keep messaging very frequently, feeding their bfs with information of what they do every second.
"Hi hun! I just washd my face now. Wht's up wid u? Lotsa kisses. Muaaah."
They have an up-to-date knowledge of all network offers, like which network offers free sms's, free within network calls, 10 paise per minute calls, happy night free hours etc. They start getting worried if their mobile balance runs lower than Rs. 50. They go to the nearby grocery shop atleast twice a day for buying top-ups.
And me?
If I have balance in my phone, my roomies ask me if they can make calls with mine. I can't refuse also. So nowadays I don't bother to recharge.My balance even if it is at 20 paise, I heck don't give a damn.

2)One of my Bangalore friends is blessed with 2 boyfriends. A backdoor relationship. She says she can't remember what she said to each of them and gets confused often.
One day, her bf # 1, she and I went to Branded factory. When her bf was selecting an outfit, I saw he had the vote ink dot on his index finger. I asked him to which party he voted for. I have respect for people who use their vote franchise.
A week after that we went out with her bf # 2. While he was waving to us, I saw the vote dot on his finger too. I asked him the same question. My friend instantly blurted out, " How many times will you ask him?" He was bemused and said to her that it was the first time I was asking him. Their was a shock of realisation in her when she found him on the verge of getting doubt on her. Her bf # 2 is very suspicious. It was hard for me to control my laughter seeing them both. Then she regained, after he didn't seem to doubt anything. We both winked and found the whole thing funny later.

But the good thing is that she gets double of everything. Double gifts, double flowers, double love....

3)Remember the scene from 'jannat' where the girl stares into the window display of a ring. Emran walks into the showroom and breaks the window to get the ring for her.
Well, I stare at so many windows of so many showrooms at pretty much everything gloomily with a long face,unable to buy jewellery I like because I'm broke most of the times. I always wait for my Emran to come. Alas, there is no one to steal for me :(

4)On the way to my room, one night, I stopped at the grocery store to buy some items. Just then a boyishly handsome guy stepped into the shop. I only could stare at him with my jaw open. I was waiting for him to look my way. Maybe just one of my sharp killer looks will be sufficient to lay him. He didn't bother to look anywhere. He just walked into the shop, asked for airtel night balance recharge coupon, recharged his mobile and started speaking into his phone excitedly. My heart broke then into a 1ooo pieces! Surely he was already committed. That explains the night balance.

5) My friends choose spending time with their bfs rather than spending with me. Everyone in the hostel go out somewhere or the other with their lovers and I am left alone in the room :(

My roomie once was very generous to take me out along with her bf. So we went to Metropolis mall in threesome.
But I regretted going out with them. I was like a hurdle in their path for romance. They were searching for chances secretly for kissing etc etc, whenever I turned the other way. I felt very embarrassed and cheap to come along with them only to spoil the fun for them. Later in the elevator, they found a private space. They made an excuse that they needed to buy something. They made me wait down at the coffee shop. The guy offered to buy me a pastry so that I would be engaged while they go to the elevator to do their thing. I knew what trick was playing in their mind.I was so irritated at them to keep me waiting that I intentionally selected the most expensive pastry on the menu. My friend's bf just gulped and silently paid the bill and sat me down alone at the table. I was so sure that he scolded her gf that she brought me along. I was a pain in 'there' to them. But I got my revenge. Why bother to invite me when they wanted to spend intimate moments?

6) I went with 2 of my friends along with their bfs to Mc D. We girls were thirsty and hungry . We waited while the guys went to order for us.The guys got glasses of water and burgers for their respective girls but not for me. I realised I had to fetch water and food myself and joined the queue.

Single life : A boon?

1) I need not bother about what I wear. All my other friends, buy expensive branded clothes and dress up hours to impress their bfs. I pick up clothes from the streets and don't even bother to check into the mirror when I get ready.
At this point, I always have an argument with my friend. She disagrees with me and points out that singles need to take extra care for dressing to impress and lay a guy for entering into relationship.

2)My bank balance always grows. I don't spend money on cell phone bills, greeting cards, gifts, flowers etc. I buy for myself.

3) I need not remember important dates like the day of proposal, his birthday, the day of first kiss, the day of first.....

4) I live my life by my own rules. Nobody dominates me. Some of my friends have bossy bfs.

5) I have a pleasant night's sleep. Rest of my friends wake up all night, shaking away their sleep to call their lovers, using the night balance.

I still can't resolve my dilemma. Is it a bliss or a curse?

Skulls and skeletons

2009-07-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

I wake up from the eternal sleep
staring into inky blackness.
Can't bear the stifling putrid stench
trapped in the stale stinking air.

Shock engulfed I sniff to realise
that it is me emanating the foul reeking odour.
I run my frail fingers
with long inches of dirty unclipped nails
beneath thousands of dainty unkempt braids,
my face hung slack, bloated and pale,
scarred and wounds untended,
the skin loosening and wilted from within,
gaunt eyes sunken into sockets,
bones, sinew and brawn exposed.

A bare perishing corpse is all I am now,
stripped off attire and aspirations,
shivering in the cold of the chilled stagnant air
embodied in filthy green moss and strings of cobwebs.
The organic remains of my body
mingling into clay and sand.
Bugs, worms and infesting viruses
crawling and creeping into my skin
and eating my insides.

My body might have aged, but did my soul?
Lying still and helpless in the lugubrious coffin,
brooding in impermeable onyx I reminisce,
digging into the glints of dwindling memories.
Vague flashes of images stream across
of how life once used to be--
I chased surreal dreams
But now, in the end they didn't even matter.
My dreams died unfulfilled
along with my mortal self.

My perennial soul refuses to cease existing.
Trapped in the decomposing dead body
windowless and numbed
to the perceptions of the outside world
unaware of the colours to see,
of music to hear, of textures to feel,
of savours to taste and aromas to smell.
I wriggle to be released, to rise up dead.
and break open the lid of the coffin
to realise my unfulfilled dreams.
But I don't find my spine and legs
All that I have is a rusted, crippled body
decaying little by little with a gordy odour.

The very blood that once coursed
through my iridescent veins
providing my every inch with life,
now clotted and caked,
turned a shade of stygian brown,
and froze in timeless age.

Residing in the murky dark hole of 6 feet coffin
I experience veiled in the
hollowed gravity of infernal hell,
that is sucking me into a pin-point hole.
Loneliness grips me,
tearing my already shredded self.
Pitch darkness consumes me ,
killing my already dead body.

My name now that nobody utters nor remembers,
is confined to the faded etchings of the tombstone marble.
'Rest in peace' it is engraved.
But regret, grief, sorrow return to claim
my life and peace even after my survival.
Neglected by loved ones who have forgotten me,
they pushed me into deepest corners of their memories.
I spend my time waiting for the reverberance of footsteps
of someone coming to offer me flowers.
Alas, the obliterated path to the graveyard is oblivious.

I feel pain but not the physical pain,
because I don't have a body anymore.
Not even the emotional pain
because I don't have a heart neither a mind.
It's rather an inexplicable crunching pain
radiating from where once my heart was
to the debilitated extremities.

I hear ghostly cries in the cemetery
of other spirits like me hauling
and pleading to be let out,
to seek revenge against those who live
unconcerned and indifferent to our deaths.
Rage gushing and spurting out my crumbled body
I break free of the corpse in resurrection
and join my brotherly souls and zombies.
Armed by axe and daggers in the spooky full-moon light...
we bellow together like a pack of wild hounds...
and vow to haunt and plague all the living...
and scare them to death.

Turning Over A New Leaf

2009-05-08T07:31:00.000-07:00
I sat down on the steps beside the lake, in a hope that the serenity of the nature would bring tranquility and solace to my perturbed mind. As I gingerly dipped my feet into the cool water, many fish surrounded to tickle my feet with their pouting mouths.

I was immersed reminiscing those days.

We were happy together.

Or, atleast, I was.

We made many promises.

Only to be broken later.

He cheated me. He betrayed my love.

As I disembarked the flight from US, my heart raced and my eyes pined for the sight of him. I was disappointed that he didn't turn up at the airport to receive me. I went to his home expectantly. The world spun dizzily as he shut the door on my face. I was devastated to learn that he was committed to some other girl in my absence. He said he was frustrated with the long-distance love. He accused me that I wasn't any near to him and left him alone at the time he needed me.

Our love melted with the miles that stretched to part our hearts. All those days I was away from him, I desperately waited for the moment of reunion and never gave a thought to any other man.

I thought our love was strong enough to endure the separating distance.

I was wrong.

He just didn't love me enough.

How do I tell my parents to stop my engagement with some other man?

I will get married soon against my wishes.

But how could I forget him?

Won't this twinging pain crunching my heart subside?

Interrupting my thoughts, a gust of breeze blew creating whirls in the lake. Leaves from the Maple tree, adjacent to the lake, fell from the twigs and with a ruffling noise, landed on the water.

I watched as a brown-tinted, withered leaf swirled on the water surface and after some time disappeared to the depths of the lake without any trace.

Another tender green leaf floated on the surface creating ripples which emanated from center and along with the water current flowed towards me.

I bent down to take the green leaf from the water. As I stared towards the leaf, holding it by its stalk, my gaze shifted to something moving behind the image of the leaf.

I saw my fiancé coming towards me, with a smiling face from the other end of the lake.

I saw it as a start to many more newer beginnings.

I smiled and waved to him as he sat down beside me.

I held the leaf close to my heart as I talked to him for the first time properly, pushing away my past.

After I got to know him, I realized that he was everything that I wanted my life partner to be.

I treasured the leaf which brought novel hopes into my life, inside the pages of my diary.

Going Under

2009-05-04T01:55:00.000-07:00

The wintry breeze gave goosebumps on her pale skin. A morbid aura of pervasive petulance, mingled with the faint fragrance of tender palms, hung in the air giving her a dizzy feeling. The salt laden misty sprinkles from below the sea sprayed on her face. The rocks on the barren cliff were so vitreous that she could see the image of her despondent self reflecting from them.

The environs came to a standstill, frozen in time and space, segregated from the rest of the world- a world where so called happiness lived and lips curved into a smile. Everything was so eerily silent and dead, far removed from serenity. A state of spine-chilling spookiness prevailed scaring her heart thumping audibly in her chest. Her breaths were shallow, and laborious. Her palms felt sweaty. Her legs quivered with uncertainty and frisson. She constantly mangled her fingers with tension. All she could hear was the rickety twitter of the crickets leaping on the barren rocks and the violent roar of the waves splashing against the foothills of the cliff.

The ball of gleaming full moon looked down on her, consoling her heart, heavy with imbued grief. Her angelic white gown swayed in tune with the splashing waves and wavered in rhythm of the flowing breeze. Gloominess was evident everywhere—her white laced gown, her as-pale-as-snow face and the white milky moon competed with each other for the highest intensity of lifeless white.

The cliff adjoining the Bay-of-Bengal was deserted that night or any other night or at any other time of the day as a matter of fact. The cliff was claimed to be one of the most dangerous and precarious suicide spots with slippery pinnacles, steep peaks and lurking ghosts of the grave. The sea beneath contained unfathomable depths and swallowed greedily into its womb, those willing to sacrifice themselves, stiffing them mercilessly in the undulating layers of waves and tossing them sadistically in the escalating and ebbing tides.

She went to the edge of the cliff gingerly and carefully, pulling up her gown. Confusion gripped her mind and made her doubt her every leading step towards the edge. The pebbles underneath her stilettos slipped and she was about to skid off almost into the merciless sea. But she quickly gained control of her balance and sat down on the rock with frantic fright. Her heart pulsated loudly breaking the eerie silence and her heaving breaths dominated the uproar of the waves of the boisterous sea.

Not yet! God, I’m not ready yet! I need time.

It took a lot of convincing of herself to undertake this – sacrificing into the sea. She had a deep inflicted hysteria of vertigo. But she amassed all her courage for that and she was convinced.But not yet. She needed some more time.

She held her hand against her heart to feel the reverberating beats. The diamond ring brushed against her silky laces and rustled. She glimpsed her ring finger and the image of her ring surged her into a maze of retrospective memories of her past filled with love and colour. Life was so beautiful then, as if there were rose-hue tinted shades on her eyes through which she gazed the myriad coloured vibrant world.

“Will you marry me?”

“ Hell ! Ya !!”

And then he slipped the ring on her tender, long fingers. She brought the ring close to her eyes and the sparkle of the ring glistened in her already diamond -studded eyes.

But that was then - another era, and altogether different life and time. Now, all she sees is black - black rose, black rainbow, black sky, black moon, black everything, as if the world is stripped off its pigments of colour. The heavens claimed his life and she was left all by herself battling against life, succumbing to despair and loneliness in this pretty rotten world.

She shivered out of vacillating dilemma over such a bold attempt than out of the bone-biting chill.

The wind played with her cascading tresses. She looked up into the moonlit sky and momentarily saw the image of her departed soul-mate as an angel surrounded by a halo. The vast expanse of the sea spread in front of her and stared back with harsh strangeness.Unknown perils lingered in its depths. The blue sea was unending till her eyes could glance, and at the farthest end, its outline touched the fringe of the horizon and mingled into the sky of the universe as one entity. The mountains of the valley stood majestically around the backdrop, in utter callousness and hostility. The rocks and sand on the cliff resembled the barren land of craters of the moon.

She needed a more convincing reason for her attempt. She thought heaven must be so beautiful that the dead preferred living there to returning to this world. That’s where her lover was gone, probably drinking nectar and dancing with fairies.

Yes, that was a reason enough to be convinced. And she was ready. There were no more apprehensions and regret in her. No more looking back. It was only the vast sea that lay in front of her.

She took a deep breath and sighed. Perhaps she should go down the memory-lane and recollect of whatever faint streaks of colours that was left in her life. She wanted to contemplate, and remember happy moments out of her dusty archives of life chronicles. She tried hard. But all she could see was black. The part of the brain which registered those happy moments became cold and necrotic now. It refused to unlock memories. She rather concentrated on what lay ahead.

She closed her eyes, got up from the rock and went to the farthest end of the cliff. She opened her eyes and looked down. She was not afraid anymore. Now, closing her eyes was no longer necessary. She was brave enough to face it with open eyes.

She bent forward, raised her hand towards her, removed the ring adorning her finger and without any second thoughts, threw it into the open sea. The ring took a long time on its flight down the steep cliff, and disappeared beyond her sight. But she could imagine, the splashy sound as the ring striked the water surface, cut through the waters and got submerged to the profound manifolds of the sea.

That was it. She felt light and free now. She turned back and slowly walked from the edge.
She saw the moon and the stars. They were white.

No more shades of black in her life.

Speaking Silence

2009-05-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

Attempted the TAT prompt at this site. The concept was to write a story using this picture.

****************

There was no sign of her. He searched frantically for her everywhere.

Where could she have possibly gone and why?

And then he found a tear-strewn letter in her room.

Dearest,

I’ve seen you suffer enough. You are not happy with me anymore. I’m an onerous burden on you. You are tolerating me stoically.

I could see your muffled cries and sadness all the while. You thought I was blind to all that? I‘ve only gone dumb, not blind!

I’m not meant for you anymore. You deserve a better girl - someone who can sing duets along with you in a honey-laden voice. I’ve lost melody in my life. Life lost its melody to me.

Don’t look forward to me. I’ll be gone very far by the time you read this.

I want you to stay happy. And just remember that, out there in some corner of this world, a girl will be happy because you are happy.

With hugs and silent love **

He dropped the letter in utter disbelief. His world came to a standstill. His heart refused to pulsate anymore. Pangs of pain throbbed in his temple.

She’s the only one I ever wanted. She’s the reason I live. And she deserted me like this?

Before he knew his eyes welled up with tears and blotched the letter. Tears – droplets of emotion trickling from the vents of soul. A relief to bottled-up pain. So easily that they come, the harder they go. So hard to suppress, so hard to contain.
*********

How he used to love her silky voice- so mellow, soft-pitched and soothing to the ears! They would seldom sleep, whispering mushy, cheesy things and chuckling till late night. And ah! her chuckle – resonating and sugary sweet. They would laugh all day and never answer the calls. They were the inseparable love birds.

*********
That tragic day, where they met with an accident on the way to a trip, is still freshly etched in his innate memory. Not that he wanted to forget it. He wanted to remember it vividly and later levy payback from God.

God! Why did you have to do this to her? I'm grateful we survived the accident. But did you have to claim her voice in return?

The car tipped off the hairpin bend of the hillock. His door broke open and sent him tumbling down for a few feet into the valley. Shock engulfed her, pain radiated eccentrically from her heart, and she let out a screechy wail at the crest of her voice. Blood trickled from her mouth and she fainted.

He caught on to the branch of a tree and survived the accident.

He healed well, but she ruptured her vocal cords irreparably. No hope, the doctors said.

He could never hear her calling out his name anymore. Never could she talk, sing, joke, shout or tease. All that remained was her reverberating silence- a silence so dense that would pierce his ears and made his heart numb.

She would sit on the terrace all day and stare into nothingness, puffy-faced and eyes brimming with silent tears.

She forgot to smile. He forgot to smile.

Sometimes she would loudly squeak out in despair and wail endlessly, cuddling to herself. He would then take her in his arms, caress her tender lips and silence her by kissing them. And then he would look into those piercing eyes, which once sparked a twinkle; now they only bore an expressionless, rigid look of helplessness, pleading him to liberate her from the shackles of her world of spooky, numbing silence and a life so still and stagnant.

There were so many things she wanted to say, so many things he wanted to hear but...

******

I know of all the places where you could have possibly gone and I’ll find you. I’ll never let you go from my life.

The lake was her second home- so serene and pristine. That’s the only place where she could have gone to seek solace. The silence of the still waters and the tranquil peace of the environs reflected her silent soul- unhampered with noise and in sync and tune with eternal cosmic peace.

Yes, there she was. Tapping her feet in the icy cold water, reclining on the wooden footboard and staring into the vitreous blue waters of the lake in utmost harmony.

She heard his footsteps approaching towards her and wondered how he came to know about her whereabouts. He sat beside her and looked into her eyes questioningly.

She took out his pen and wrote an answer on the paper -

I know you long to hear an explanation. I know you pine to hear the words ‘I love you’ from me. I don’t want you to put up with me. You are obviously frustrated with my silence.

Of emotions unsaid.....
Of emptied conversations...
Of thoughts unshared...
Of words uncommunicated....

There’s a huge vacuum tearing us apart. I’m afraid one day, you’ll stop deciphering my silence and leave me. I wanted to end it all before you would.

He was moved with the letter and hugged her tightly, never letting her go.

He looked into her eyes. She looked back into his.

Their eyes connected.

Their hearts communicated.

They didn’t need a language.

Nor any word.

Nor a voice.

Music erupted from the deepest of their hearts.

Melody seemed tangible.

He seemed to convey without words -
“Crazy girl! How foolish of you to think that way! Never ever leave me. The next thing you know, I would do is end my life. You should know I am in intense love with you, no matter what. Don’t you know I love you so....?”

She seemed to say, “I love you too and ....”, and she couldn’t go on further. She was unable to contain how lucky she was to find such a caring soul-mate.

He looked at her passionately and filled his eyes with her image. Blushing, she held her head down.

She was so happy. He was so happy.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart

without saying a word, you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain

what I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know

that you need me...

There's a truth in your eyes

saying you'll never leave me...

The touch of your hand says

you'll catch me whenever I fall..

You say it best...when you say nothing at all.

Creative solutions

2009-05-01T02:13:00.000-07:00

Last year, my college organised a rally programme in the town where we had to create awarness among laymen about the safe use of medicines and not to resort to self-medication. We held banners and distributed pamphlets to passer-bys.

I was very angry that people didn't ever care to give a mere glance at the pamphlets and there I was walking the streets in the scorching sun trying to enlighten them about their health and safety. Unbothered they crumbled and crushed the paper and threw it down as soon as I gave them. Worser still, the vendors used them for packing mango pieces, chat and other eatables and some used the pamphelts for fanning away the hot air.

A brainwave hit me- I crumbled a pamphet beforehand and offered it to a man who was approaching. Out of curiosity, he opened the pamphlet and read on. He even praised me and my classmates about the awareness programme.

And from that moment, all of us in the rally , crushed the pamphets before distributing them. It really worked !

Unsaid Emotions

2009-04-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

My blogger friend Anwesh started a beautiful story and left the continuation to reader's own imagination. Here is Aersh's version, who is another of my blogger friend.

Unsaid Emotions

(Anwesh's beginning)

“He who never speaks out, never gains, never learns and never loves…”

********************************************
The cold current of water sprayed across the rocks and pebbles scattered haphazardly on the waterbed. The water touched those stones and then, brushed past her feet. Her naked feet. She leaned forward and touched the pristine – clear water, and felt it slip through her fingers. The evening was about to set in and there was a strange eerie feeling all around. All she could hear was the silent rapids of the Ganges splattering across.

He sat on a rock, constantly scratching it. Every now and then, he looked up… looked at her. And he would look down, and feel his heart melting and oh! So many things. This was the second week he sat here… just staring at her.

Do I love her… Do I tell her… What do I tell her?

As he scanned through these questions in his head, he saw her get up and come his way. He quickly slid behind the rock, and as usual, prayed and hoped that she didn’t see him. When he opened his eyes, he saw her standing in front of him.

She stared at him through those innocent blue eyes, and said, “You are…?”

“Oh, I am Sahaz”, he said, straightening up.

“I have never seen you here before. Come here often?”

I should have found a better spot to hide.

He scratched his head, looking anywhere but at her.

“Aah, yeah… Lovely spot you know. Water and rocks, and more water and more rocks…”

Damn it, control your stupidity.

“Anyways, am Sahaz.”

She sheepishly smiled and said, “Am Asin.”

Then, she opened her hair, which was so far tied loosely. She straightened them out and then said, “You live close by?”

“Not really. I live in the village behind that hill.” He pointed at a small village on his left side, glad to have an excuse for not looking at her angelic face.

They kept quite for a while. Then she said, “I am getting late. I have to go. I will see you some other time, okay?

”He didn’t hear anything, staring at her kept him too busy.

“Hello?”

“Oh, yeah. Okay, see you later.”

She disarmed a smile at him, “Bye!”

*******************************************

“You believe in love?”

“Me? Aah, I don’t know. Maybe…”

He kept staring at her.

“What? What are you staring at?”

“Do you know how beautiful you are?”

“You are just making fun of me, aren’t you?”

“You really think I would do that?”

(My continuation from here)

She didn’t answer. She just looked at him and smiled. The very smile he was besotted to.

Does she have any idea how much I love her?

**************************************************

The first rays of the morning sunshine kissed the waves. He was throwing pebbles in the water and waiting for her near the shore.

She is my first love.
But hers?

I won’t be able to live without her.
But she?

Everyday he resolved he would reveal his lovelorn feelings to her. Only he knew how excruciating it was to subside the intense love he had for her.
But he couldn’t gain enough courage. How could he, when he knew it wouldn’t work out? He was plain simple. She, an angelic beauty.

I don’t deserve her at all….look at me! She deserves someone better.

It was six in the morning. Time for her to come. He arranged his ruffled hair looking into his image in the pristine water.

Today is my last chance. It is now or never. I get dumbstruck when I face her. So I penned down all my feelings in a letter. I will give it to her today.

The pebbles he threw striked the surface with a splash, creating waves. He saw the reflection of her approaching him, wavering in the ripples.

“ Hi Sahaz”

“ Hi….umm…your dress…it’s blue. I like blue. Infact I love blue.”

God! Couldn’t I think of a better way of starting the conversation?

“Yeah, the colour of the Ganges.”

Go on, tell her that you love her

“Asin…”

“Yes.."

Silence

(trembling ) “ I …”

(with a raised eyebrow) “You..?”

” I love…”

“ Yes?”

I love you. Don’t you see it in my eyes? Don’t you see my heart throbbing for you?

“I love…I like…”

(getting impatient) “ umm…? “

His legs went numb. He couldn’t get those 3 simple words, which decided his life, out of his mouth.

“I like…I like your dress…blue dress.”

Damn!

“ I know. Thanks.”

Sensing he couldn’t say it out, he thought it was best to give her the love letter. He was about to give the letter….

“So what are your future plans? Hmm… what is that paper? "

“ Oh it’s nothing. What did you say? My future plans? My father has left me the responsibility of looking after our textile shop in my village".

“That’s good”

“I will give you many dresses… free of cost. Just for you.”

“So sweet of you. But I won’t be there to take any.”

“Why? “

“I got admitted in a course in an institute at Delhi”

“What?? So are you leaving the village?”

“Yes. Tonight by bus”

He received the shock of his life.

“Oh! …I ….You…. that’s a really good news!”

“and I …what’s the paper you are fiddling with?”

“Oh, this is…this is…. my wedding invitation.”

I couldn’t think of a better lie.I wanted to appear normal as if it didn’t affect me at all.

“Great! I’m so happy for you. So give it to me”

“Oh, I…well..they are still not printed. This is the draft copy. You won’t be able to attend it anyway. You are going so far.”

“ Yeah. That girl is damn lucky”

“Could be”

“Will you come to the bus stand to see me off?”

How could I bear to see the sight of my beloved parting from me???

Umm…I’m sorry I can’t. I have to look after the shop."

“Okay no problem. I have to go and pack now. Bye. Miss you.”

“Go on. Goodbye.”

Bye forever. I’ll miss you too. You don’t have any idea how much I will.

He crushed the letter, tore it and threw it into the Ganges. The water erased the blue ink, which penned his concealed love and unsaid emotions and washed it away forever.

The bits of his letter got submerged to the depths of the river and disappeared without a trace.
And his hopes too.

She walked away not even glancing back for once. As the distance grew between them, step-by-step, his eyes welled up with tears. All he could see through his hazy eyes were his dreams crashing with broken wings, tumbling down, and her image retreating away.

Story of my life. My love ended even before it could begin.

*********************************

Diary entry

8.30 P.M 20/4/09

I am in the bus to Delhi. It seems I will reach Delhi in 4 hours.My parents and brother came to see me off.

I’ll miss my family.

And the village and the Ganges.

And him.

Yes, him the most. He looked dashing today. Simple but dashing.That’s what I like in him- his simplicity.He’s so down to earth. I was floored by his simplicity and clumsiness, on the very day I caught him behind the rocks. He portrays what he really is. No airs. No feigning attitude. I always admire his behaviour- polite and sweet natured. He’s everything I want my husband to be.

I wanted to propose to him so many times. But I couldn’t gain enough courage. Something would hold me back. I would be disheartened if he would say no. I don’t want to make things awkward between us. So I kept postponing it everytime.

Until today.

Today, I wanted to pour out my feelings, no matter what. Today was a big day for me.I went to the shore-the place we meet often, with novel hopes. And with a courageous heart.

I had so many dreams. Just like the movies-- I would propose to him. He would agree. And we both would move to Delhi. He would find a job there. Everything would be perfect. It would be like a fairytale coming true.

But happy endings happen only in movies. Not in real life. Real life is one big harsh truth.

Those 3 words came till the tip of my tongue. I almost said it. But then he told me about his wedding. It took me a lot of courage to mask my feelings and appear normal. I couldn’t stand there anymore. I wanted to go away from him. I couldn’t bear losing him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, to leave him behind and walk away pretending I don’t love him.

Story of my life.My love ended even before it could begin.

****************************************************

“One who never speaks out, never gains, never learns and never loves…”

Pharma industrial visit

2009-03-15T03:08:00.000-07:00

Sumages pharma industrial visit

I went to a pharma industrial trip recently to Sumages Pharma Industry and Chemiloids Laila implex.I had fun with classmates in the trip and learnt about the practical aspects of the equipments we use in drug manufacturing and formulation.

Well during the journey we met with a small accident. The bus collided with a tractor driven by a negligent driver carrying rice husk dust. The dust fell on us through the windows. It was very irritating. For a split second I thought we were all dead. Later I was relieved that it was harmless and nothing much happened to us. We got compenstion for the broken window panes of the bus.

Cutting-edge technology equipments and apparatus were all displayed in the industry. Watching all that was like visualising a scene from a futuristic hollywood movie. Eveything was automated by computers.

Capsule granulating equipment

Some of the equipments were capsule granulating machine, nuclear magnetic resonance equipment, HPLC appratus,titrimeter, friability testing appratus, spectrophotometer,tablet strip packing equipment, tablet coating equipment etc.

Capsule filling and strip packing equipment

The titrimeter, and friability testing apparatus

In the botanical germplasm bank, all herbs and medicinal plants were housed. I've seen rats, and mice in the pharmcology lab being experimented.

It was a great experience. I gained so much information. I hope we go to more such trips.

My terrace

2009-03-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

I love my terrace. Whenever I feel sad or happy, I come to the terrace.
I have always been adventurous in finding secret places on the terrace of my home...under the water tank, over the lift room, behind the poles....

Nobody knows these places. No body climbs to the terrace.There are many secret places on my terrace where I can cut off and hide from the rest of the world.

My hide-out: Under the water tank

I find so much serenity and solace here when I'm disturbed.Whether I'm happy, angry or sad, I feel contended staying alone staring the aure sky.

Panoramic view

The sky and the moon always enthrall me. I love sky-watching , counting the stars, bird-watching and observing people who look like ants, from my terrace.

The tower

I find inspiration to write poems and stories here. I love flying kites from my terrace. The panoramic view from the terrace is scenic.I can watch the whole town from here.The BSNL towers are errected on the terrace. I love climbing its poles and sitting on its rungs.

antenna

On The Boulevard Of Hope Filled Dreams

2009-03-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

Two lovers, walking by the lane, I did see,
A leaf, the girl plucked from the tree,
Wrote the boy’s name and presented it to him blushingly.

Treasuring the leaf, the boy,
Kissed the leaf and kept it safe in his pocket,
Took out his pen and repeated the cute stance.

Sweet pleasure from my heart, it emanated,
As I saw that cute blessed couple.
Yet, I felt surging pangs of pain.
My heart ached thinking about you.

Thinking about,
the million miles that lay between us,
to separate our love.

Thinking about,
all I ever wanted to express,
but you weren’t any near to listen to me.

Thinking about,
the passing lonely days,
that I could have spent with you instead.

Staring despondently at your old photographs
that failed to capture your luster and charm…

Waiting endlessly for you to come back
and put a halt to my succumbing loneliness…

My future is all bleak.
Sadness replete.
Living in the past,
And envisaging a future,
When you would be close to me.

Close enough…
To listen to your words
resonating in my heart rhythmically.
But now,
I talk by the phone only to listen to your
distant echoing voice.

Close enough…
To remind me that the touch of your hand
is there to catch me wherever I fall.
But now,
Though I falter I don’t find
an outstretched reassuring hand to care for me.

Close enough…
That I can stare into your eyes for hours
and yet say nothing at all.
But now,
I can only imagine your face and though I want
to say a million things you are not there to lend an ear.

Close enough…
That every dawn I wake up to the morning sunshine
I start my day seeing you blissfully sleeping beside.
But now,
Insomnia gripping me, I lay awake all night
missing the warmth of your self on the bedside.

Unfulfilled infinite dreams
Imbued in my eyes,
Of words uncommunicated…
Of thoughts unshared…
Of moments unspent…
Of emptiness and vacuum filled space…

I live to see the light of the day--
The day when we would meet;
The day of melting miles;
The day when there’s just you and me around,
and all the time in the world to spare.

For your arrival, I wait with eager eyes,
On the Boulevard of hope filled dreams.

Be my valentine

2009-02-15T00:41:00.000-08:00

The boy proposes:

I'll conquer the universe at your slightest wish
and drizzle the shimmering stars on you.
I'll pluck the cresented moon studded in the sky
and adorn it as a brooch on your gown.

Spending my lifetime by your side,
I'll give all the time in the world to you.
You will be my utmost importance.
I'll abandon you for not even a moment.

Covering the thorns in your path by my palm,
I'll bear the pricking pain for your sake.
Protecting you at your every trodden step,
I'll lay down your path with rosy petals.

With this love that bountifully gushes from my heart,
I'll take a lifetime to express it.
Is this a reson enough,that I want to be with you?
I hope you'll accept my love. Be my valentine.

The girl replies:

I don't need stars, they fade at dawn.
I don't need the moon, it wanes after a fortnight.
I see the twinkle of the stars in your caring eyes.
I see a cresent moon, in the curve of your smiling lips.

I need just a speck of grain, in the sands of your time.
I don't care for all the time in the world.
I'll give you your space, I'll give you your time.
You can have your own priorities, I won't hinder.

The thorns have to pierce my heart first
before they prick your protecting hand.
If you stand by me at my every step,
I can endure every thorn with pleasure.

Love me for no reason.

Love me on no condition.
If unconditional love is what you can reciprocate,
then I am your valentine.

Random thoughts - 1

2009-01-26T01:10:00.000-08:00

I had the blues because I had no shoes,

until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.

I've read this quote on Koushik's updates.

It really left me wondering for a while.I am so much pampered by my parents. A spoilt kid you can say. When I want something, its then and there that I want it and no second thoughts about that. I believe in leading life in my own terms.

Tomorrow I need to go to college after 1 week long break. I will have to get up at 6 early in the morning and catch a bus. I have been used to getting up at 12ó clock during the holidays. I begged dad to drop me in his car. But the driver was unavailable. I became pesky and started putting a tantrum that I needed the car no matter what.

Dad became angry and said that there are so many in the world who don't enjoy comforts and luxuries like I do. I am lazy to catch a bus to go to college. But there are poor students who walk miles on barefeet to reach college.

It's high time that I should realise my mistake. I thank god for giving me a wonderful and caring family who leave no stone unturned in granting my wants and needs.

Thank you, god. I realised my mistake.

And I will be a good girl and won't trouble dad.

I won't go to college tomorrow.

The Sonix

2009-01-25T03:50:00.000-08:00

This story is my first venture into sci-fi. My sister gave me the story concept.

******************************
Little Jamie was chasing his pup in the thick woods, during his evening playtime.

“Faster pebble, faster! Let’s race and see who reaches that Rosewood tree first.”
“Pebble! What are you trying to nibble down? Spit it out!”
“Bow bow!!!”
“Hush now! What is this thing? Why, it is a watch!

That device Pebble found from under the tree looked like a hi-tech electronic watch. Jamie was immensely satisfied with the device he stumbled upon. Jamie kept the watch in his pocket, and along with Pebble, he strolled across the fields and along the pond, to his home.

********************

Despite his protests his mother sent Jamie to bed at 9’0 clock. He didn’t feel sleepy yet. He slid his hand under the pillow and took out the hi-tech watch. He fastened the straps of the watch around his wrist. It looked very stylish. His eyes dazzled up with excitement. There was a sound of a click and then the radium digits lit up in the dark. The watch didn’t show the time or date. He tried to rotate the dial but couldn’t operate it. He stared at the ceiling for sometime. He closed his eyes and was about to drift to sleep. But he heard a voice inside his head. Someone was calling him…someone was trying to connect to him.

Hello! Are you awake?

Little Jamie was scared. He was sure ghosts were talking to him in his mind.

Hello! Don’t panic. I am your friend.

My name is Jamie. Who are you? Jamie asked this question to himself and was surprised to get an answer after a long pause.

I am a resident of the planet Rolatouix. We have identification numbers here and not names. You can call me Jojo though. Where are you from?

Springfields.

Is that the name of your planet?

No. Springfields in on the planet Earth. Where is Rolatouix?

Very, very far from Earth. Rolatouix is in the Megallamic cloud galaxy.

Oh! So you are an alien! I knew they existed though my friends didn’t agree with me.

Ah! Smart boy that you are Jamie.

Do you speak English in Rolatouix?

Ah, no Jamie. We don’t need a language. We are telepathic. I am able to communicate with you, as I’m able to establish a link with your mind. The Sonix is helping me to do this.

You mean, the watch?

Yes, it is not a watch though. Listen, don’t remove the Sonix even while you are bathing. It is waterproof. And don’t tell anyone about it.

Umm, okay. But why shouldn’t I ……

Jamie felt confused and restless after the day’s adventures. He couldn’t pay attention to the voice playing in his sub-conscious mind. He drifted to peaceful sleep.

********************

The next day, morning, he had a vague reminiscence of the night’s sub-conscious conversation. It was like a distant dream and he couldn’t make out if he was answering himself or that it happened for real.

In the class, his teacher announced, “I hope you all studied for the class test today. Anyone who gets low marks will have to write imposition for 50 times.”

Jamie let out a soft cry, for he forgot about the class test completely. He cursed himself for being forgetful. The teacher distributed the question papers. He could only stare at he questions as everything appeared strange to him. He felt miserable inside.

Hi Jamie! What’s up? That was the voice of Jojo again. He was now convinced that Jojo really existed. He briefed up his plight to his new friend.

Ok, read the questions in your mind. I can tell you the answers.

But you are an alien! These questions are about history, which are totally related to Earth.

I will read your friend’s mind. I’m clairvoyant. Just look at any of your classmates and concentrate. I will reach your classmate’s mind through you.

Okay! Marian is our class topper. She is bound to know all the answers. I will look at her and you extract the answers from her mind.

Who quoted the following? --‘ Government of the people, by the people and for the people’

Jamie, Marian thinks the answer to that is Abraham Lincoln.

It went on so throughout the exam. Little Jamie got A+ with Jojo’s help. But he vowed he would never forget any other test again.
*********************

Jojo and Jamie became best friends. They would share their day’s events, jokes and stories. They would interrogate each other about the life in their planets. Whenever Jamie felt like communicating with Jojo, all he had to do was to call his name in his mind. And Jojo would reach out to him immediately.

**********************
One day –

Alpha to delta, alpha to delta, are you there?

Delta to alpha, Delta to alpha, I am here Jojo.

We Rolatouixies would like to extend our hand of friendship to all the beings on Earth. I heard there is a disussion going on in the Space Research Confederation for friendship of the two planets. I work for SRC. My job is to create Sonixes and communicate with other beings. Rolatouix has advanced technology, which surpasses what Earth has. We would be more than glad to exchange our technology and resources with you.

How did that Sonix reach here?

We teleported the Sonixes to random locations in the universe. We didn’t know that life existed elsewhere, until you switched on the Sonix.

What is teleporting?

It is the way Rolatouixies travel in space and time. The arrangement and conformations of the atoms of a body at one place can be replicated in another place by a teleporter device. The picture of the second location and time should be fed into the Sonix, which is a time machine. As a result you can travel both in time and space. Transcending locations in the universe is a matter of fraction of seconds with teleporting.

That sounds like fun. I can visit my Grandpa in Ohio, in just a few seconds.

That sounds cool! I’ve reported the SRC authorities about you finding a Sonix. And guess what? We might come to earth soon and see each other.

That sounds great. But I am not sure of all this. Why don’t you try sending radio waves to extra-terrestrial intelligence wing on Earth and communicate with our authorities? I am sure they would help you.

No, we are very far from Earth. There’s no way those signals can reach you. Megallanic clould galaxy is surrounded by strong gravitational and electro-magnetic fields, which can’t be penetrated by radio waves.

I’m really excited for you to come here. I’m sure all Rolatouixies are friendly like you. It’s been a month since I know you, and you have become my best buddy. I’m excited to see what you look like.

Well not yet. The project is still under discussion. We want to approach the Earth in a friendly way and don’t want the residents there to panic and misunderstand us. First, we will teleport to the Earth in small numbers, get in touch with your authorities, form a truce and assure that we are not invading your planet.

Yes, that seems like the right approach, Jojo. Otherwise we would think it is Martians who are trying to capture us.

Oh no! Rolatouixies are not like that. When the project is complete, I would like you to feed your present time and a picture of the Earth in the Sonix, so that, the teleporter identifies the location and takes us there. You are a very important person in this project, Jamie. Without your help, we can’t come to the Earth.

Sure, I will do that.
******************

After 3 days --

Jamie.
Jamie! Jamie!! Respond to me. Are you there? Why aren’t you replying?

Yes, Jojo. How was your day? Were you busy in the project or what? You didn’t connect to me though I called you many times.

Yes, been very busy. The project is completed. You have to synchronise the location and time of the Earth with our teleporter. Take a photo of the Earth, and feed the data chip in the extension slot of the Sonix. And feed the time in the Sonix according to your current time. Okay, after you do that we will teleport to your place. And I can’t connect to you while I teleport. So I’ll meet you directly on earth.

Okay. I will do that. Happy teleporting!

Jamie removed the Sonix from his wrist. He took out his geography textbook and his camera. He took a picture of the big ball, removed the memory card and inserted into the Sonix. He entered the current time according to Greenwich Median Time.

The Sonix read:

Location identified as: Sun,
Milky way galaxy.

Distance from Rolatouix: 9898985049 billion billion billion light-years.

Time: 2:30 P.M GMT, 26th January 2009 A.D

Confirm? Press Yes or No

With a deep breath Jamie pressed Yes.

Teleporter activated.

Destination will be reached in 20 seconds.

Over and out.

Little Jamie sighed, removed the Sonix and hurled it into the fireplace. He thought –

Jojo’s voice is much sweeter than this stranger who connected to me just now. A couple of aliens can’t fool me to mistake a cruel voice for that of Jojo’s.

Jojo! Jojo! Answer me. Why did you have to leave me? The other Rolatouixies are not like you. How could this alien think I won’t be able to recognize it is not you?
I will miss you Jojo. And I will remember you forever.
How could I forget that fateful night when you had to leave me?

Jamie was sleeping peacefully that night. He heard a squeaky feeble voice, which brought him to conscience and tried to connect to him.

Jamie! Listen! I overheard the plans of the authorities of the Space Research Confederation. They want to make the residents of the Earth their slaves and exploit your resources. I’ve been misinformed about their project. It is not a stance of friendship, instead they are trying to claim your independence! The authorities lied to me. I came to know about it, and tried to deactivate the teleporter. But, they caught me doing it. They have prisoned me in the heat chamber and they are subjecting me to an unbearable heat intensity of 1000 degrees. I am beginning to feel the heat. I feel weak.

Oh Jojo! I don’t want to lose you.

There’s nothing anyone can do about it Jamie. Just remember that I had no bad intentions. I am your friend. I thought I couldn’t connect to you from the heat chamber and convey this message to you. I had to concentrate and focus until I could establish a link with you. I am sorry about the danger the Earth has to face. If you didn’t find the Sonix, all this wouldn’t have happened. And…

Jojo! Yes Jojo. Say something Jojo! Please come back! Please!

Jojo’s voice began to fade and went mute. That silence brought tears to Jamie. Little Jamie wailed throughout the night.

********************

A small column in the next day’s newspaper:
NASA scientists detect a small explosion on the face of sun with the help of Hubble telescope. They are at loss to explain the details. They assure that there is no danger though.

*************************

Alpha to delta, alpha to delta, are you there?

And though Little Jamie kept calling Jojo’s name every night and day, there would be no answer. Little Jamie was little but became big in his deeds. Though nobody knew about it, he saved the planet Earth from alien invasion.

She deserved that for what she did to me

2009-01-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

On the morning of her birthday, I went to her house. She opened the door with a wide smile. She knew I would come. She knew I would wish her then. She was waiting. I didn’t wish her. I didn’t want to. I walked straight and sat on the sofa. She went into the kitchen to get 2 glasses of milkshake. I sent her again to the kitchen asking her to fetch a glass of water. Everything was going according to the master plan.

Wasting no second, I removed the pouch from my pocket, tore it open and mixed the contents in her milkshake. Yes, I wanted to drug her.

She returned and sat beside me with expectant eyes. Slowly she finished drinking the milkshake. Her eyes were drooping. Her head felt heavy. She fell on the sofa with a loud thud. There was a final smirk on my face as I left.

She deserved that for what she did to me. And for how she changed my life.

I was happy, before she came into my life.

************************************

The year before, on her birthday, I presented her sparkling diamond earrings. She wasn’t looking good in them. Nothing suited her. A waste of money, I thought. She wasn’t worth it. I returned the diamonds worth Rs.2 lacs each, to the D’dama’s shop.

*************************************

On the same day, of the evening of her birthday, last year, I threw a grand birthday party, in my farmhouse. She didn’t witness such a wild night in her 19 years of life. I hosted the wildest party ever—with a disco night, famous DJs from all over the world, socialites and celebrity guest-list, never ending vodkas and martinis, worldwide cuisines on the platter, balloons and confetti, life-sized cake and wild celebration. The party went on for 8 hours straight. That was just for show-off to my friends and for making a style-quotient. In truth, I didn’t want any party for her. I usually loved parties but I didn’t like that one. I watched her from a distance, laughing and mingling with our friends.

It wasn’t what I wanted. I sighed. I wasn’t happy. I was lonely in the crowd. And was frustrated to the hilt.

****************************************

That was last year.

It would be 20th of June tomorrow—the day of her 20th birthday. There were just 5 minutes for the clock to tick 12. Her mobile would be flooding with calls from everyone. But I knew she would be waiting for my call. Waiting for me to wish her first. I didn’t want to. I switched off the light and went to bed.

*************************************

I am rich, a billionaire. I loved money. I loved to flaunt money. Another thing I loved was to party. I just lose myself dancing in the parties for I was a hard-core party animal.

I was living my life in my own terms those days.

That was until she came along.

And changed it all.

****************************************

Last year, during the party in the farmhouse, I hated it all.

It wasn’t what I wanted. I sighed. I wasn’t happy. I was lonely in the crowd. And was frustrated to the hilt.

I felt lonely and frustrated because, I didn’t get to spend more than a couple of minutes with her. We would enjoy intimate moments together but just then someone would interrupt us to wish her. Yes, I love parties, but that night I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to stare at the night-sky and the moon, lay under the shade of the tree and talk. The usual senseless talk, but with her, everything in the world gets a newer meaning. I’m always at awe at her sensible and insightful perspective about life. I had to learn a lot from her.

And I did learn a lot from her.

******************************************

I was living my life in my own terms those days.

That was until she came along.

And changed it all.

I wasted 21 years of my life in ignorance. In ignorance that money was the foremost priority in life. I was in a mad rush and hurry to nowhere. Another thing I loved was to party. Partying with the people who never cared for you. I was living in a faked world, filled with people who didn’t have the right attitude toward life. I merely survived. I didn’t ‘live’.

She had the right attitude toward life. She taught me to ‘live’. And not just to survive and waste precious life.

I failed to appreciate,
the breeze and the flower’s scent.
I didn’t stop, to see the moon.
I believed, I was happy
But my joys were transient,
which were to be forgotten soon.

Until one day she came along.
She walked into my life and changed it all.
She taught me how to live.
And to always smile though I fall.

She taught me to stop by and appreciate the beauty of small things—like the fluttering butterflies, the chirping cuckoos, the glazing sun, the starry studded night-sky with the crescent shaped moon, the joy and the innocence of a child, and the vastness of ocean.

She gave me a whole new reason to live--to live with appreciation for nature.

**************************************

The next day would be her 20th birthday. I wanted to choose a gift wisely. Not like the last time. The diamond earrings I got her on her last birthday didn’t suit her well.

She wasn’t looking good in them. Nothing suited her. A waste of money, I thought. She wasn’t worth it. I returned the diamonds worth Rs.2 lacs each, to the D’dama’s shop.

I mean she already had sparkling diamonds studded in her eyes, that my earrings felt lusterless on her. Whenever I get something, I want it to be the talk of the town. I wanted to make a style quotient among my friends. I wasn’t satisfied with the gift. The diamonds were not worth enough for her. She needed something more worthful…something priceless.

I needed to give her something she wouldn’t imagine in her wildest dreams. Then I got an idea. A master plan. A master plan to drug her.

**********************************

She returned and sat beside me with expectant eyes. Slowly she finished drinking the milkshake. Her eyes were drooping. Her head felt heavy. She fell on the sofa with a loud thud. There was a final smirk on my face as I left.

She deserved that for what she did to me. And for how she changed my life.

I was happy, before she came into my life.

But I didn’t realize my joys were transient and faked. They were not long- lasting. The joy I experience when I lead my life with the attitude she taught me, is long-lasting.

************************************

It was 5 minutes for 21st June. I lit 20 candles on the chocolate cake. She cut the cake and I sang the birthday song. The cuckoos and the sparrows joined the song by chirping. The green leaves swayed to the breeze in rhythm. The waves splashed and swished as they hit the shore. The moon and the stars were smiling down to us. I took out my guitar and played soft music. We hummed duets all night and the nature played the background music. It was a full moon night. Perfect. We lay on the sand at the beach and slept hugging each other.

She was more than happy with my gift.

My gift of a surprise trip to the Andaman Islands. She always wanted to go to the Andaman, for the nature there is unspoilt and unhampered.

And I made her dreams come true.

That’s why I drugged her. I wanted to surprise her. While she was unconscious, we flew in the chopper to the islands. When she opened her eyes, she was astonished to see the blue sky enveloping her. She was astonished to see the vast sea that stretched for miles in front of her. She was astonished to see me beside her. I wished her a happy birthday, just when there were 5 minutes remaining for that day to get over. She felt special.

There were tears in her eyes. The tears of joy. The joy in admiration for nature. The joy that I remembered her birthday even if it was late.

Yes, I was late. I didn’t want to be the first one to wish her. I wanted to be the last one to wish her. Because the last wish stays in the memory till the next year. Everyone wishes you at the first few hours of your birthday. But after some hours, the day becomes normal, as if it is not your birthday at all and what remains is the long wait of one whole year for your birthday to arrive. I always believed in last wishes. Just imagine…when just few seconds remain for your birthday to pass away, someone wishes you then and reminds you it is your birthday. It feels good to know that it is still your birthday. Yes, I like last wishes. They are more memorable than first wishes.

***********************************

I chose wisely this time. The trip was a perfect gift to her. Close to nature. Close to me. We were all alone, with just the two of us and had all the time in the world.

She deserved that for what she did to me. And for how she changed my life.

In my search for you

2009-01-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

In my search for you

Under the twilight, beyond the sun’s rays
In this world there’s not left a place.
Across the bridge and over the mountain
I’ve looked for you, but all in vain.

“Oh bird! Fly in the sky and look for him
At dawn or dusk, even if the light’s dim”
Thus, I requested a fluttering sparrow,
To fly and search for you, high and low.

“Oh moon! Shine down to wherever he is
Urge him to return, could you do that please?”
The shimmering moon and the glittery stars,
Promised to search, even if you’re on mars.

“Oh spring! Along your journey from hills to sea,
If he gulped you down his throat, notify me”
Thus, gushed from the earth the mountain spring,
But any message from you, it failed to bring.

“Oh rain! Dry my tear, form a cloud,fall on his cheek
Rain in deserts too for his whereabouts I can seek.
I asked the rainbow, the clouds and the fountain,
“Will he be receiving the same splattering rain?”

“Oh breeze! Transcending lands beyond I can see
Pervasive that you are, now listen to my plea--
Blow over to where he is, spread the same fragrance
Tell him I’m waiting to caress his hair so dense”

Beneath the deepest trench, beyond the farthest land,
In the ice or the forests or under the rocks or sand.
I’ll keep searching for you, and will never lose hope.
Nature joined in my search for you, so there’s scope.

Are you at the other end of the world?

It's like I am lost...I don't know this feeling

2009-01-11T04:57:00.000-08:00

Day after day I think of you,
Of million thoughts I want to share with you!

M: Hey, what’s the matter with you? Why are you in such a contemplative state?

H: I am not feeling myself today. I feel so blue.

M: Oh dear! Pour out your heart to me. May be I’ll be of help. What’s wrong?

H: It’s him. No matter what I do, my thoughts shoot back to him. Every dawn I wake up to the morning light, the first thought that springs in my mind is his. I keep wondering what he is doing at this very moment. Eating..? Sleeping..? Laughing..? Will he be thinking of me..?

Whatever I see…
Whatever I do…
Whatever I hear…
I got me thinking of him.

M: What kind of thoughts?

H: Sweet, mushy thoughts of his. Late nights, when all the world is sleeping, I stay awake and keep thinking of him! I wish I was a star and could look down to him, sleeping cozily in his bed. I wish I was the breeze, and could swish past him and caress his silky hair.

Whenever I miss you, I just stare at the sky... I don't find you there but atleast I know we are under the same sky..!

M: Hmm…you got a problem there! Luckily, I know the solution. I will say it, it may or may not be right, but if it is, you have to accept it.

H: Yeah, okay, what’s it?

M: Is it a crush?

H: No! It’s much more than a silly crush. I can fight the world for him.

I will be there for him when the world stops turning.
I will be there for him when the sun stops shining.

See me! I’m talking in rhymes. His thoughts bring out the romantic poet out of me!

M: May be it is just a phase in life. You’ll get over with it in few months.

H: No, I felt like this from quite some time. This feeling got collected from so many years and is now gushing bountifully from my heart.

M: That sounds serious. Is it love?

H: Hmmm…may be…I am not sure of this feeling. I am in such a quandary. It’s a ticklish feeling pulsating from my innate heart. Does it feel like this when someone is in love?

M: Yes, you have got all those symptoms.

H: I can’t believe it! I thought love is something, which happens only in movies and fantasies. It seems so distant and strange! Oh, what do I do now?

M: You should go and propose him.

He loves me?..He loves me not?

H: I don’t have the courage. What if he doesn’t think of me that way? What if he rejected me and stopped talking to me after that cheap stance. I can’t afford losing him!

M: Then, he isn’t lucky enough to deserve your divine love. You might as well forget it all if he rejected you.

H: That shall never happen! I’ll still keep loving him even if he doesn’t love me back. He will be my man, in my fantasies. I will keep dreaming and in my dreams atleast, we’ll be together. I can lead my whole life just with his dreams. I've learnt that love is not always getting back. It is giving. Love is all about sacrifices. I don't want anything from him.

Worthy of nothing, counting the days still I wish to survive,
Hoping that one day he’ll care for me, for him I’ll strive.

M: What if he said he needs some time?

H: I’ll give him all the time in the world. I'm ready to wait all my life!

He could be far away from me for eons...I’ll still keep waiting
He could be at the other end of the universe...I’ll still keep waiting.

M: So when will you propose him?

H: Now that I am thinking about it, I don’t want to propose. This will be my little secret that I will carry to the grave. It’s better to secretly love him than be sad with a broken heart if he rejected my love.

M: I won’t advise you to do that. Be brave. Don’t waste a second to tell him what you feel. Don’t worry of the consequences. Atleast later in life you won’t retrospect and regret that it could have worked if you showed some courage.

H: Yes, you are right. I should be brave. I will propose him soon.

M: That’s a good decision. Go on now! Call up, fix a meeting and tell him you’ve fallen in love with him.

H: Oh no! I haven’t fallen in love with him. I have risen in love with him!

*****************************

'M' is Mind and 'H' is Heart of a girl who is in love.

Dear Santa - The year as I retrospect

2008-12-25T07:24:00.000-08:00

From

My room,

India, Asia

25th December 2008

Santa Clause,
Teens wish granting wing,
Head post office of Artic circle,
North pole

Dear Santa,

Thank you for my new patiala dress my mother bought last week. Everyone told me that I looked pretty in my pink patiala. And also thanks for giving me 'gone with the wind'. I wanted to read that book from so many months. Would you get me 'Andromeda' by 'Micheal Chricton' this time? Please do something to convince my parents to take me to a trip to Araku valley and Vizag. I'm dying to go there! Please give good marks for my li'l sister in her boards. Please keep my parents healthy and happy.

I tried baking a cake in the new oven we bought, Santa. But it didn't come out well. Never mind that. When I'll be sleeping on my bed at night, leave Andromeda novel by my bedside.Please don't forget to bring some other nice gifts in your sleigh for me. I have hung extra-large sized socks by my bedside so that you can leave many gifts. And yes, the socks are not stinking. They are washed and perfumed.

I want to relate to you some notable events which happened to me this year. I'm alerting you, this is going to be a long letter!

I’ve seen bright days. Dark days. Been happy. Been sad.
I had an eventful and momentous year. Last Christmas I wrote a letter to you asking for fulfilling some wishes. They had been granted. My heartfelt thanks to you.

My birthday in April went fine. But I couldn’t enjoy much as I had to take 2nd year exams the next day. I am happy with my 2nd year results…77%…I couldn’t have asked for more.

I had a great summer. I had been to an adventurous trip to Bengaluru, all by myself, for a whole month. I had a great time with cousins and old friends --Sup, Souj, Prash, Skanda and Pri. I miss Bengaluru now. My heart roams in the streets and lanes of Jayanagar. While I was on a morning walk in Jayanagar one day, I saw a beautiful Bungalow built in wood and bamboo with creepers adorning the gates and with a green garden around the house. I had decided that I would come back to B'lore to buy that beautiful house when I started earning money. It would be mine someday. Hopefully.

And then 3rd year started…back to the same routine of college and studies. I took part in poster presentation on the topic ‘microsponges’ in Vishnu College. We had pharmacy week celebrations in our college. I took part in the essay competition. As a part of pharma week programme, we pharma students went to a nearby village for surveying the commonest diseases people suffer and the drugs they use. We had a rally on the topic ‘safe use of prescription medicines’ and we had to convey the message with banners and pamphlets. It was a nice experience. That day I felt I was a true pharmacist and I did something to help the society in my own small way.

Last Sunday, I was very happy. Nobody could be so cheerful and merry. I was the happiest person in the world. I was flashing smiles to everyone I came across, for some innate happiness was ebbing inside me. It happened for the first time ever with me that I was that happy. Until then I thought I was an unlucky girl and that my wishes were never granted. I had a spree of jolts and sad moments one after one, again and again, few years ago. I forgot to smile then. But on that Sunday I was happy. But something was constantly warning me and I had fears that smiles at present are a premonition of ensuing predicaments in future. It is a sin to be so much glad when so many people are suffering. Some omen was hinting me that this was just the calm before the violent and boisterous storm and sadness would claim my smiles.

And precisely then I got a call from my classmate saying that the results of 3rd year, 1st semester were out and I didn’t clear pharmacology. I was so shocked! I couldn’t believe that. She had to be wrong! I wept bitterly for sometime. There was no way I could have flunked in it! It’s my favourite subject and I always scored well in it. I wanted to do Masters in pharmacology. And here someone tells me I failed in it! What could have possibly gone wrong?? Why did that happen to me? How could I show my shameful face to my parents, who expected so much from me, had so many hopes pinned on me??

Later I got a call from her again, that she heard the results wrong and that I had cleared all the subjects. Thank god for that! I was so much relieved. For a few moments I thought that all the world for me was lost and that the ground was swept off my feet! I was in utter confusion and distress. I would never forget the despair I went through. But it made me realize...what if I really couldn’t clear a subject? I promised myself that I will always study well and never allow such a situation to ever rise. Santa, please promise that I will fare well in my studies and career. My studies are always my priority.

Tonight I will celebrate Christmas with my sister on the terrace with some nice music playing. I have nicely decorated there. Hot and tasty bread sandwiches are on the menu. I’ve downloaded ‘Rab ne banadi jodi’. My sister and I will be watching the movie on the terrace.

Have a merry Christmas Santa! Thanks for giving me such a wonderful year and I hope that all the years which follow will be as promising or even better than this year for me, for my family and for everyone in this world!

I have been a good girl this year. You know what exactly to give me right? If I stayed up late, will you hug me?

Say hi to Rudolf for me. He might have a tough time tonight carrying heavy load of Christmas goodies in the cart.

Is it very cold there? Get yourself red coloured warm woollen clothes. I will write to you next X-mas again. Happy New Year in advance! Bye!

Love, Aparna, Age 19

Of Promises Kept And Broken

2008-12-09T04:37:00.000-08:00

Passionate love

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

Atif Aslam-Aas Paas

*********************************************
“ I ran out of sunscreen in Iraq! I must have turned atleast 3 shades darker, shooting in the sultry sun !”, she was complaining.

“Your smile is breathtaking”. I said and broke her chain of conversation.

“You liar! You don't notice my smile! You are always lost in your own dreamy world and stare bleakly into my eyes!”, she said.

She was immersed in an animated description of her latest adventures in Iraq. She was proud of her brave stunts of acquiring an exclusive footage of shocking war revelation. That's her job. She is a war journalist. She is posted to terror stricken and tension centered war zones of the world.

She trekked the rough terrains of Zagros mountains in Iraq, in a camouflaged dress, survived only on the water of River Tigris for 2 days and shot secretly at the enemy's camp from behind the rocks. The video footage was to be submitted to the BBC news channel and the anti-terrorist intelligence. She captured the terrorist's conversations, all by herself, in their camp which revealed their strategies and future targets.

I wasn't listening to her talking about her experiences in Iraq. I was transported to the beautiful land of Kashmir...six years ago....that was where and when I first met her.

And fell in love eventually.

Heart of love

I was a tourist to Kashmir. A bomb raid broke out by terrorists. Everyone who were boating in the Dal lake previously were fleeing for their dear lives. I ran towards the shelter of apple woods. In the midst of all this chaos, I saw her shooting with a video camera from behind the thick apple trees.

Love at first sight.

There was a mystique glint of bravery flickering in her eyes.

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

There was no one around. She was startled at first. Confirming that I was harmless, she came forward and dressed my bleeding hand with her scarf.

That was just the start.

During my stay at Kashmir, we exchanged our mobile numbers, talked late into the night and went out in the snow every other day. I must say she talked a lot. A very talkative girl she was!

Our love blossomed in the beautiful land of Kashmir-- rightly called ' heaven on earth'.

******************************

I was scared for her...for her life...of her dangerous job.

I pleaded her, persuaded her and pestered her at many instances to quit the job. I wanted us to get married, move to Dalhousie and happily live ever after...always...forever.

I'll be there for you always...forever!

She was very adamant of her journalist job. At first I thought she was being headstrong.

One day she told me, “my parents died in front of my eyes in the hands of the terrorists. I was barely seven then! I've dedicated my life to do everything possible in my own small way to uncover their strategies.”

It was then that my love to her took a new dimension. I started respecting her job. My love for her grew even more in intensity.

Relating to those horrid childhood incidents there were tears in her eyes.

Nonetheless, the mystique glint of bravery flickering in her eyes didn't fade away.

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

********************************

I was scared.
True.

I was scared for her.
A lie.

In truth I was scared for myself. I can't live without her! I can't envisage a future for myself without her being beside me.

“Hey don't be so gloomy! Do you think I'll die so easily and sacrifice you to the other pretty girls !!?? No way! I'll be there for you...always...forever.” She teased.

I asked ,“ Promise?”

She replied, “ Promise! I rarely promise anyone. But if I do, then I value it with my life!”

Promises are made to be fulfilled!
***********************************

When she was away covering news in the war zones, my time would go out of sync with the rest of the world. I would lose track of days and dates. My time was divided into two phases-- the time I was with her and the time I waited for her. I would wait frantically clutching my mobile in my hand for that one call from her, assuring me she's safe and sound.

She feared nothing. She was brave.

She had her priority – her aim of exposing the activities of terrorists.

I had my priority – it was 'she'.

*************************************

I was in the airport. I got a call. I could not believe my ears! My head was spinning...my whole world went topsy-turvy!

*************************************

It was 2 days for my birthday to arrive. She was in Sarajevo reporting the war there live.

I urged her to come back.

She said yes.
It was a promise.

It seemed she had a surprise gift for me and wouldn't reveal it till we met. I pretended to be very much interested to know what the surprise gift was. I didn't want to be a spoilsport.
In truth, the gift didn't matter to me.
It was her coming back from Sarajevo after 2 months which truly was a gift to me.

**************************************

It was the day of my birthday. I went to the airport to receive her. I was waiting for her eagerly. Finally the flight arrived.

But... there was no sign of her.

I waited for her for another hour.

I heard my cell phone ringing. I was sure it was her. Smilingly I answered the call...but ... it was a male voice.

“I am from BBC news. I'm really sorry to say...but she is no more. She was killed in the war at Sarajevo”.

These words changed my life. For worse.

*************************************

She did keep her promise to come back on my birthday. But it was not the intact her. Her body was flown in a coffin to the airport. Her luggage was recovered and handed over to me.

I thought I would celebrate my birthday with her lively self around.
I was wrong.
I laid beside her lifeless body and for the first time in my life I cried.

I don't know for how long I cried.
My tears were exhausted. Nonetheless, they could not alleviate the emotions which burnt my heavy heart.

At night, I was flipping through her luggage. The surprise gift she planned for me was a hand woven kerchief with my name embroidered at the center.
It was as if she was consoling me not to cry and wiping my tears with the kerchief.

I preserved everything belonging to her....somethings tangible which lay safely in the cupboard...and as far as those intangible moments were concerned...they were there to stay in my memory, always...forever!

*****************************

It's been 3 years now. I still couldn't forget her.

Every night, from that day till today, I get scary dreams. She would be writhing and wriggling in pain just in front of my eyes. She would scream at the crest of her voice for help. But I would be handcuffed and helpless to rescue her. She would die every night again and again in my dreams.
I fear sleep.
Every day, those beautiful moments I spent with her keep flashing back. Everything and everyone remind me of her. No matter what I do, I think of her and her thoughts send pangs of pain in my heart. I try to suppress the pain, but the feelings gush out and churn my heart. I take sleeping pills to switch off from the pain.
I fear being awake.

I think of you everytime!

Someone said that love is a bucketful of emotions. So true!

Her voice reverberates in my ears--“ Promise! I rarely promise anyone. But if I do, then I value it with my life!”
She did really have to value the promise with her life. She had to forgo her life...our life!!

It was a broken promise...a promise unkept...a promise unfulfilled.
I am so frustrated that, I want to kill her again and again for her broken promise. Why did she leave me alone??

Why did you leave me alone??
************************

“You liar! You don't notice my smile! You are always lost in your own dreamy world and stare bleakly into my eyes!”
Yes, I used to lie about her smile. It wasn't her smile or lips that I noticed. I used to look deep into her twinkling eyes. She had an unflinching flame of bravery flickering in her eyes and the brunt of the horrifying images of her parents dying in front of her.

Her eyes spoke for her.

He eyes said it all!

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

The affidavit

2008-11-10T02:01:00.001-08:00

I've been pestering Dad for almost an year for buying digital camera. I'm fed up with the conventional camera and with the whole lengthy process of it.I'm lazy in the first place to take the reel to the photo studio. O.k just in case I hand over the photos to the studio ...I hate frantically waiting for the photos to get developed...and finally when these photos arrive...they don't come as I expect(sigh!). This happened everytime-- with my birthday photos, party snaps with friends, photos of family holidaying, the college fresher's day etc etc. You either find me closing my eyes in half of them...or I am still setting my hair or dress being unaware that the photo has been already clicked 2 minutes ago...or give a crooked smile that scares anybody's guts off !So kudos for this revolutionary digital camera--which has refined photo shooting and made this task much more enjoyable. I can delete bad snaps and choose the ones I like.!

I've been convincing dad that my neighbour has it, my friend Priyanka has it, my cousin Souj has it , so why can't I own one? You get the point there right. From past 1 year I failed miserably to persuade him. What not have I tried?? Blackmailed him, tried coaxing him up, buttering up, stopped eating food for a day to put up strike and done pretending to be a good girl in front of him. He has so much grit and determination that he has refused to give in or give up. And so am I ok....neither will I admit defeat so soon.I still am not letting my father be victorious...that battle is yet to be conquered.

And I've devised a final fool-proof plan which is bound to succeed. The affidavit...yes official one. You see the 'Govt. of India' seal there? It is fully original. Here was my plan...not just one of it...but 2 of them..plan A and if it fails plan B.

Plan A-- Here's the rough master idea for you folks--

Take a blank sheet -->Go to dad-->Ask for autograph(Dad's a big sucker for fame...yaps off as if he's a big celeb.So he's bound to fall for this one!!) --> Rest is all in this geniou's hands...edit it as I want....add any number of complicated clauses and fabricate it to suit my needs. (Give a thumbs up to me!!)

Plan B -- My back up plan--

Tare off the affidavit --> Flip it into the trash bin --> Fall on dad's feet --> yell, cry, weep make a hella noise!!

But guys plan A succeeded fortunately(yaay!!). Rest was all history! Dad went berserk. Finally he calmed down. He finally agreed to buy a digi-cam soon!!.. but on a mutual agreement. Dad wanted to add a new clause in the affidaavit that I should get 80 + % in my 3rd year 2nd semister exams. Well, they are anyway to be conducted in next April. So my dad might as well forget about the whole episode by then and on the contrary I am to get my digi-cam just in 2 - 4 days!! yippie!! So I thought there's no harm in signing the agreement.

Finally I got my sister to sign it as an eye-witness to this. So, folks 14th November is a big day for me. In case my Dad fails to keep his word ,I along with the help of my sister, with the proof of the affidavit, have a full-fledged official right to sentence him to jail. Just joking!! ...it won't go that far. Umm..hopefully.He won't leave much of a choice to me if he fails to purchase one.

Will post if I did really purchase one or not. Bye folks!!

Lip-smacking delights!!

2008-11-09T10:48:00.000-08:00

I’ve got refined tastes for food. I am ready to commit any sin in the world in exchange for these lip-smacking delights!!

C for Chocolate

A chunk of fudgy chocolate delight…yummy!

With the pervasive aroma of roasted cocoa beans and the tempting sight of irrestibly rich dark-brown color, I transcend into an altogether heavenly world..!

I savor the taste of melting goodness on my tongue and treasure the sugary sweetness on my taste buds. The soft chocolate moulds tickle my senses. When I feast on a chocolate bar, music seems tangible and vivid images erupt into a wild dance! The world seems to disappear into a momentary oblivion. It evokes fervent fantasies in the deepest of my hearts. My time and space go out of sync with the rest of the universe. A bite of chocolate sinfully inflicts me with inexplicable pleasure and euphoria!

Do not dare to disturb me when I am feasting on a chocolate bar!!!

T for tea

Its snack-o-time!!

This beverage gives me the ever-essential kick and bouts of active jolts for my senses. With just 1 cup of this frizzy hot drink, I get recharged for the task ahead!
This power drink reloads me with activeness and energy required to burn the midnight oil for exams and I keep gulping down oceans and oceans of it. I feel drowsy, restless and withdrawn from the surroundings, with lack of interest and initiative, if I skip tea in the evening snacks-time. And if there’s a pack of crispy biscuits to complement this steaming beverage, there’s nothing more blissful in this world!

I am kind of addicted to this mind stimulant! Someone help me!!
M for mutter paneer masala

I can’t resist salivating at the very sight of this Punjabi dish!!
(Even right now I am going bonkers by seeing this picture above. I am off to pester mom to make it soon!!)

Chunks of diced fresh paneer cubes fried to a golden tinge, studded with garden-fresh green peas marinated in spicy gravy along with crisp kulchas, stir up a tangy tingling sensation in my mouth and I am left bemused. Cottage cheese dumplings impart a unique taste. I munch down to my heart's content and seem to demand more and more till it appeases my hunger pangs!

I am ready to surrender myself and do anything in this world for this treat!! Now you know my week point :)

P for pani puri

I seem not to be content with how many ever gol-gappe I guzzle down! It is such a delicious snack to be eaten during evenings with friends.

I’ve gained over-the-years expertise in gorging down larger-than-my-mouth-sized gappas without spilling even a drop of masala pani down. And the pani-puri walla selling on the cart on pavements might get tired hatching the gappa, stuffing it with spicy fillings and simmering it in masala pani and in no time I seem to gulp them down! I really don’t understand my friends when they complain that pani puri is too spicy and hot for their taste buds and is very cumbersome to eat. They have tough time swallowing the gappas and make a mess by spilling everything.

Ready for gol-gappe contest with me?

Oh, all this talk about food is making me hungry!!

The classic reply

2008-11-05T09:05:00.001-08:00

It was history class. I was in 4th at that time. My history teacher was very intimidating. Her piercing stern spectacled eyes would command fear. I would dread her class and wait for the bell to ring.

The lesson was on Indus valley civilization and how people back then used to lead their lives.There was a picture of a man bathing in 'The great bath', mohenjadaro. The picture was quite revealing and that ancient man was scantily clad in clothes. We students found it very funny and tried to suppress giggles. But no one dared to laugh out loud due to fear of the teacher. The teacher sensing indisciplined giggles got hot-tempered.

Teacher : What's it? Who's it lauging? Don't you all remove clothes and bath every morning? (more laughther from us)

Teacher:(screeching at the crest of her voice): Sshh!!...What's so funny here? You all will be sent out right now!! I want pin-drop silence now!

We tried to hide our faces behind books. My classmate Vikram was the only bold student who spoke out in defiance. He gave a classic reply which I haven't forgotten even now.

Vikram: True ma'm we all bath every morning... but we don't have our pictures printed in the text book this way!

To this my teacher didn't have any answer. She was staring at him tongue-tied and flabbergasted. No body dared to back answer her anytime. But Vikram was very intelligent and bold. Eventually she chuckled at the joke and seeing this, our laughter got fueled up and finally the whole class for the first time in the dreadful history period, along with the teacher, were all laughing.

Arun Bhaiyya

2008-10-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

It was the day of Raksha Bandhan. All my friends were excitedly couriering rakhis to brothers farway. I didn't have any brothers. I was silently watching them...thinking about him...thinking about the Shatabdi express..thinking about why we lost contact now...thinking of his voice calling me choti...thinking of the train music which was ringing in my ears.These memories were stiffling me and I was carried down the memory lane to that day........

His last words are still reverberating in my ears. It was on the running train, my station was about to come. It was time for good-bye's. I did'nt want the journey to end.Not now...not ever. I wished I could travel for eons with him as if my only destination was the end of the universe itself.

I was on the train back to my place from Bangalore. It was a sultry summer and the afternoon siesta was engulfing me. I was drowsily staring into nothingness outside the window and stiffling yawns, when he walked into train at Bangalore station. Tall, handsome and nice physique...thats what I noticed the first time. His wife was waiting outside bidding good-bye.

I started reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons. I don't talk to strangers usually. I was immersed in the fast-paced plot of the book when he started introducing himself and broke the ice.I was startled.
Him: Hi! I am Arun. I work in Navy as a navigator.
Me: Eh..hi!..umm...I am Aparna, finished 12th.
Him: That book you are reading (pointing the novel) ..I've already read it.It's a nice one.
Me: Ya, I feel the same too. Have you watched the movie ' The da vinci code' ? Its by the same author.
Him: Did'nt watch the movie but I read the book. Angels is much better.
Me: Where are you from?
Him: Basically from punjab.But I and my wife stay now in Bangalore. Recently I got a job in navy at Vizag. I came to Blore for holidays.I am rarely at Blore nowadays. I miss my wife.

I've seen his wife. She was very pretty.Later he told me that she is from Hyderabad. He told his love story of how he met his wife in the same train a year back, exchanged numbers, talked frequently late into the night, fell in love and eventually married by eloping. Neither of their parents were happy as they married against their wishes so they came to Bangalore far from their wrath.
Listening to this I said--
Me: Your love story is like the movie ' Kabhi kushi kabie gham'.
Him: Haha.. life's a movie isn't it? I found my wife last year in the same train. And I found a friend like you now in the same train. Thanks to Shatabdi express!

After some time we started playing ' Numero Uno' .Its a card game. I expalined to him the game.He did'nt catch it at at the start but gradually he beat me and won all the games.We talked a lot all during the journey.He showed his photo album of his marriage. We exchanged a great deal about our lives. It was a fun to talk to him.I told him that I finished 12th and now I am looking for admission into a college.He helped me in giving some contact numbers to medical colleges at Bangalore.It seems he knew the administrator of the college.We exchanged numbers. I wrote down his number on the front page of Angels and demons.

It was 9.00 A.M on the next day and my station was about to come.His station was Vizag which would arrive at afternoon.He came till the door to see me off. The train was moving slowly..everything was in slow motion..the music of the train receeding, the hooting siren, the vendors at the station...but all I could listen was only to him.I was mesmerised and kind of moved by his golden words.He was advising me to study well,that I should do well in academics and make my parents proud and that I should never hurt them and pay them back for every little thing they did by fairing well in career.I nodded enthusiastically and hung on to his every word. They were our last words together...they were words of enlightement.

We were in contact for a few months after that by phone. I told him I didn't have any brothers and always hoped I had one.He was more than glad to make me his sister.I would call him Arun bhaiyya. And he would call me choti.
My mischeivous sister tore off the first page of Angels and demons and I lost his number.I later changed my phone number so there's no way he can contact me now.

But I still remember the train journey and his words. Whenever I feel bored of studying, his words ring in my ears and I get reminded to study well. Ever since then I always look for him in the train whenever I go to Bangalore. You never know...god plans interesting ways to meet friends and special ones.

The other side of me

2008-09-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

If you ask me who I am, I would say that I am a lifelong student. I may not be perfect, but I am always eager to learn something new, or from my past mistakes. There’s so much to gain from life. I remind myself to keep all my senses open, to know something new every single moment and what’s more wonderful than to have a reliable 6th sense or gut intuition which you can trust, to guide you the right path!

My dad gets transfers often. The new posting could be anywhere in the country..north, south, east or west .I have lived in five different cities and attended 7 different schools and 2 different colleges. I have a feeling we are nomads living in a mobile van. I always felt like a displaced person. I was the new kid on the block- an outsider, creating barrier to make friends. It was a very disruptive life. Each time I would start making friends it was time to say goodbye. Somehow this made me tough from inside, for good that I have encountered various people, each with their own peculiar personalities. This made me independent. I don’t wait for anyone and don’t expect help from anyone. I am versatile—modern with a touch of conventionality. I can be garrulous or taciturn, rebellious or obedient, innocent or clever, confident or doubtful, brave or timid, simple or intricate. I am a blend of diverging personas. I really could not figure out who I am or what I am yet. I discover something new about myself as I live on, and constantly amaze myself with my potential, which eventually surfaces out, and about which I knew never existed in me.

I love my thoughts, my ideas, my abilities, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my personality, my mentality, my soul, my life and everything else which makes me, 'me '. I always dot an ''i '' or write the word ''me'' or sign my name with a heart...filled with a sense of pride, reverence, love and self-respect for myself.

Words are my forte. I can play with the English language and manipulate the opposite person to give in and say something by which I can have an advantage over him. I treat English language with veneration. The one commendable job the Britains did by ruling over us was to pass on the English legacy to us. I am so communicative and expressive in it. Not even my mother tongue makes me so comfortable. In all those new schools when I had to reach out my classmates and teachers, only English would come to my rescue. It was a bridge between us.

I’ve always found solace with books, novels, magazines and comics. I came to know a lot from them. Even back in school I used to look forward for the library period and I bet all my classmates in the number of books borrowed. I loved the literature class back in school. Our English teacher was very inspirational and she had complete command over English. It was she, who instilled the seed of love for prose, poetry and creative writing. If I were not studying pharmacy today, my choice would be, to become a column writer for newspapers.. or hopefully even a newspaper editor.

My English teacher once said that at the age of 21, one would be living the happiest moments of life. I am waiting to become 21 and wish my age would freeze then and there. I wish I had the power of turning back the time and rewinding the magic of 21 even after I cross it.

I might be only 19 but its like I've already lived a 30. I have witnessed so much in such a short span of my life...different people..different mentalities..different culture..different language..everything divergent and totally contrasting the previous place. I have traveled a lot and seen all there is to see in India...umm…atleast a major part of it. I agree that India holds a lot of beauty and tourist delights that it would take a lifetime to completely enjoy it. But nevertheless you can say I've 'been there, 'done that'.

If you asked me to define life, I would be at a total loss of words. I could say ‘it is a span of time and a series of experiences between life and death’…but on second thoughts ..isn’t life much more than that? The more you live the more enigmatic life becomes. And this enigma itself is the beauty of life. I think no one ever, however great one is, can define life in its ‘real’ sense, because no body has lived truly and to the fullest to provide a suitable definition to life. That’s because a lifespan of 100 years is very short to truly 'live'.

A 100 years is just a speck of grain in the hourglass to truly behold the beauties of earth. I would like to go on a world tour someday. Meeting different people and customs has become an inevitable part of my life though I welcomed it or not and now it has become my passion. I used to despise making new friends. I used to be shy trying to pretend I enjoyed being a loner. But now I have changed a lot. I am hungry of meeting new friends. As I come across someone new, it might take me time to melt away the emptiness in conversations, break the ice and delabel him as a ‘stranger’ but once that happens I am very talkative and it is very hard to zip my mouth. There is no stopping me when it comes to gossiping on the topic of books, music and movies—my 3 lifelines.

I am so used to new places that my stay in the place I live currently is making me suffocate and I can’t wait to get out of here and discover a new city. I am getting bored out of life here. Its like I am sleepwalking through my life. Its like I’ve already lived my life and living the same day again and again with nothing exciting or eventful happening. I am adventurous by heart but till now there came no chance along—no bungee jumping, no paragliding, no trekking, no camping and of that sorts. My time has gone out of sync with that of the world. I am still waiting for that one chance to prove myself and to show others and... even to myself who I really am.

My dad said he is expecting a transfer next year. I hope all these moments until next year melt off and in no time I get transcended to a new place and make new friends!

In heaven-9/11 tribute

2008-09-03T02:41:00.000-07:00

I learnt how to swim this summer.
I can even open my eyes when I'm underwater!

I can swing on the swing by myself!
Even though I miss you pushing me.

I miss how you used to tickle me!

A child speaks to her father who is no more. He is a victim of 9/11 incident.The conversation is so innocent and heart-touching. Try..oh just try to keep your legs still..try not to cry!

I was all tears after I listened to this. It stirred up my emotions and left a deep wrenching pain in me. Thanx to Rohit Jain for sharing this.

The perfect gift

2008-08-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

I went to exhibition yesterday night with Manisha, Dilip and Padmaja. I had lots of fun..went on to the rides..columbus, giant-wheel, brake-dance etc etc and ate a lot. While coming out I saw a vendor selling bubble-liquid. I got reminded of this story I read from reader's digest and instantly purchased it. I gave it to my sister to play. She was very happy!

"But what will you take for her?”

Nitin asked me. He seemed almost as anxious as I was on this occasion. Okay, so that’s what friends were for… but right now he was not helping me at all.What would I take for her? The instant answer was “Myself” but I thought it was safer not to say anything. Nitin was the earnest type and he would not like me making light of the situation. The situation? My planning to propose to Richa. Big momentous occasion on the cards. All planned by the small guy.Did I say ‘small’? I didn’t feel that small. I felt like I owned the world. After all, Richa was almost mine, so to speak. And who wouldn’t be happy with a girl like that. She was everything I wanted in someone I was willing to spend the rest of my life with. She was fun, witty, charming and the best part was she understood me. Well, over the last couple of months, I too was faintly beginning to understand her. Nitin’s verdict of Richa being a 'good girl' notwithstanding, I knew there were many times when I could have torn my gelled hair in despair trying to figure out what was it she wanted to say when she clammed up and said, “Nothing”.

There were times when all she wanted to do was tell me about her day. Which was fine as long as she did not ask me about mine. I mean work was work, what else did one say about it. Then there was a time when she picked up a bottle of bubble liquid from a man selling balloons on the road. “Grow up”, I told her laughing, yet somewhat embarrassed. People on the street were staring at us, though they were all smiling indulgently at her. “ Why should I?” was her quick rejoinder. I had, as usual, no answer to that as a bubble settled on my nose. But over time, I think I can understand her. No, maybe I understand myself better. And our relationship. I now know for a fact that we are definitely different.I know that I need to lend her a listening ear time and again. She simply wants to be heard. And I have told her that I really do not need to share every office issue with her.

I know that when she gives me space to have my night out with the boys, she is expecting that one-minute phone call to say that I still think of her. Easier said than done when you are in the middle of a heated football discussion, but I can do it now.

“So what are you going to get her” interjected Nitin into my thoughts. “Do you know what I suggest?” I smiled. I didn’t want to know. This momentous occasion would be ours. Richa’s and mine. I was going to propose to her. The setting would be perfect. And I was going to take a bottle of bubble liquid for her.

Bad luck with guys !! Part - 2

2008-07-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

Yet another incident prooves my bad luck with guys...

INCIDENT # 2

I went to IBM at indiranagar, Bangalore with my classmate. Her brother -in-law is a software head at IBM. Next to the building of IBM were all other software giants like Dell,HP, Yahoo! IBM was ultra-modern and so majestic. The security was strict. They gave us visitor's passes and we had to wear our ID'S compulsorily. I was filled with awe at the workplace. Young software employees were busy in their cabins working with their laptops, checking files, making phone calls and all. Girls were pretty with their corporate trousers and men were well-groomed with suits and ties. I thought if I studied engineering I could have had a chance to work here. My classmate shared my thoughts too. She showed me her brother-in-law's cabin. We went to the pantry and did hell of a mischief there....playing with the coffee maker,mixing different coffee flavours, loud jokes ..all unlikely things decent computer employees would do at a sophisticated place like IBM. They couldn't help smiling at us. We had cappuchino and expresso. I liked cappuchino but expresso was very bitter. We made lotsa mess in the pantry. In short I had a great time. We both planned that we will marry a software worker from IBM. We both were amazed at the sophisticatedness of the place and grew in love with IBM.

My classmate took pictures of mine in different poses. I was walking seriously talking in a phone just like any CEO and she clicked my picture. And then I was standing at the entrance busily glancing the content of the files and she clicked my picture. Anyone would believe that I work at IBM after looking those pictures. Then we saw one empty cabin. We sneaked in, I sat on the chair. The name plate read 'Shubodeep Rai Chaudary - Team manager'. I started typing in the computer as if I owned the cabin and wore his specs. My friend clicked that picture too.

The next day, there was a naming ceremony of my classmate's brother-in-law's 5month old son. I was invited. All IBM workers were also invited. I joked to her that I was on a mission to impress Shubhodeep Rai Chaudary and I will take extra time in getting ready and will look my best. I was searching for him frantically in the crowd. Even she was searching for a handsome IBMite just for fun sake.

So our guy comes. Handsome....no doubt about that. I was looking at him from one corner. He was shaking hands with his co-workers. Next a pretty lady in sari stepped beside him (sigh!) And as if that was not enough...a 2 yr old kid gave an entry beside them!!

My friend and me looked at each other..winked and had a hearty laugh at the whole thing! It all seemed so funny at the end.

Bad luck with guys!! Part - 1

2008-07-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

I always have bad luck with guys...

INCIDENT # 1

I gave some tops of mine to get them pressed to a laundry wala with a 'gadi' by the streetside. He said something in Kannada which I could not understand except that he was asking me to collect them at 7.30 in the evening. So, I went to my room and returned at 7.30 P.M, only to find out that he was nowhere to be seen. I quickly disregarded the thought that he ran away with my tops...cute expensive tops which I purchased from Commercial Street. I must have seemed very innocent and gullible. I really did'nt know what to do. I was sad and I went back to my room reassuring myself that he might have retired early from the work for that day and he would be back the next day.

So the next day I went to that street but he was'nt there. But his gadi was tied to a pole there. So I thought he couldn't have escaped with my clothes with his cart left there ater all.

The next day I went again. And this time expect what...his cart was also gone! This was when I started getting worried. I asked the passer-bys about this dhobiwala but they diddn't seem to know much. There was a house nearby. So I knocked their door with the hope that they could be of help.

An elderly man opened the door. He was very hospitable and friendly. He didn't seem to know much of the laundry man but wanted to help me inspite of this. He said that he would call me to inform if he returned. He called out some 'chintu' or 'pintu' ..i don't clearly remember...for noting down my mobile number in a book. I expected a 10 year old boy. But no! It was a handsome young man...very dashing in looks, tall and good-looking. This elderly man explained everything to his son and his son came forward and asked my mobile number! I went bonkers then. He looked into my eyes and bent down his head getting conscious and blushed a little. It was then I realised that I was eyeing him and staring for 30 whole seconds involuntarily .O.k I am not a big sucker for guys but he was really good-looking. Stammering, I gave my mobile number(I was still in shock at my luck).

I seriously considered asking his mobile number so that I can call him out asking if this ironwala returned or not. Its being very dificult for me to walk all the way from my room till there. On second thoughts I felt it would be stupid and I would seem desperate( i hell was!).

Later this elderly man called out, 'bahu! ek ladki aayi hai. Usko pani do'.

You might have already expected what happened. This bahu turned out to be the wife of this young man. She was very pretty and of the traditional sorts. Embroidered sari, jingling bangles and a big bindi....she looked very innocent and beautiful. She handed a glass of water to me and her husband each. He smiled at her..killer smile..very wide and breath-taking! They made a cute couple. I think they were newly weds and the chemistry was still afresh between them.

I gulped down water(i really needed that) and went back...partly sad at the tragic ending and partly angry at how silly I was.

The next day I did little detective work and found out this ironwalla's home(Nancy Drew style!). I got my clothes back and scolded him for running away with my clothes. I never received any call from this handsome man.

Lost at night

2008-06-29T03:34:00.000-07:00

This happened during my stay in Bangalore. After my classes got over at 8.30 I went strolling in 4th block and ate in a fast food joint. I went very far to explore newer streets and lanes. Glancing my watch I realized it was 9 P.M and that I had to hurry back soon. But it hit me hard when I could not find my way back. I forgot the way I took to come here and was unaware of where to go next. I didn’t even know which locality I was in. The surroundings seemed very strange and eerie. It was pitch-dark at that night with not a street lamp there to dispel the dense darkness. It was a no-moon day and the sky stared back at me with all hostility. There was not a soul ahead on the road till my eyes could gaze. I could not ask anyone the directions. It was very spooky. I was hesitating with every step I took, with the fear that I was estranged further by more paces away from my cozy room. I didn’t know whether I was retreating away from my destination or going towards it. For a split second I was devastated that I would have to spend the dark night alone outside frantically searching and searching till I give up. I found few people at a distance, but they seemed not to be good. My intuition warned me to slip away from there secretly before they caught a glimpse of me. I was treading faster now in another direction. I was relieved to be on the main road. But still the road was deserted. I wondered what happened to all the nightlife in Bangalore and who the hell said that Bangalore never sleeps at night! They are all asleep in their warm beds and I am here outside shivering with fright and cold.

Finally a RTC bus came and some people got down . I scanned for females looking friendly and approachable. I felt everybody had loathing looks. They all looked tired and no one seemed to help out a silly girl asking directions. I was still was scarred of the whole incident. I vowed to god that if I would reach my room safely I would never venture out to unknown places. I was still trembling as I approached one respectable looking lady and…

Me: Swimming pool? (My room is in 3rd block. Swimming pool is the landmark closer to my room.)
Her: That way. Come with me. I am going there too.
I followed her. She seemed nice at first impression. And she was very helpful. But I had a nagging doubt deep down in my heart. My intuition did tell me she was worth trusting.
Her:(pointing to a banana she was eating): Want some?
Me: No thanks.
After a moment silence I said hesitatingly… I am lost actually.
Her: Oh, There’s nothing to be lost. You see Madhavan Park over there? That’s the landmark. Adjoining that there’s the swimming pool.
Me: (nodding but silent)
Awkward silence for a bit too long…
Her:(breaking the silence…glancing at her watch): 9’0 clock. Its late at night.
Me: I know that’s why I am terrified. I thought I will shop around in 4th block and I kept walking and walking till I realized I could not find the way back.
Her: That’s alright anyway. Don’t take this lane at night though. It’s not safe.
That scarred the remaining guts outta me!
Me:(just to keep the conversation going on): What do you do?
Her: I work in Tata consultancy. I am late today. I had to do some work till now.

She was pointing out directions and explaining it to me.
Her: Where are you from?
Me: I am from Andhra. I am here in Bangalore for vacation.
Her: Good god! So you don’t even know Kannada?
Me: Not that much…
We were still walking to reach the pool. She seemed very friendly and nice.
Her: That’s terrible. Don’t you have your roommate’s cell numbers?
Me: I do. But I thought I would find out the directions myself.
Her: You could have hired an auto. He charges Rs.14 for places inside jayanagar.
Me: Ohk…Umm…where are you from?
Her: We are basically from Rajasthan. But we settled here 30 years ago.
Me: ahan..
Her: Are you searching for a job?
Me: No. I am a student. I am here for GRE classes.
Her: (pointing to the banana she was munching) I am very hungry! We are almost there. That’s the pool. Don’t take this street. It later bifurcates into two and you will be confused. Take the next street and walk along the straight sloping road. There you will find Ganesha temple. Do you know the way from there?
Me: Yes. Where do you stay?
Her: Here only. Little further.
In happiness and relief I was trying to cross the road without heeding an approaching auto.
Her: Careful! Just wait. Yes now you can go. Bye!

I knew the way from there. I was thankful to reach the familiar locality of 3rd block. It seemed very funny at that moment that I didn’t venture far out from 3rd block. I was wandering very near only. All I had to do was to take the straight road. And I was worried that I was lost! They say that you can never get lost in Bangalore. It is really true!
I hurriedly bid her good-bye and walked as fast as my legs could carry me back to my room. It was 9.45 P.M by the time I reached. I didn’t ask her name and don’t know where she lives. She seemed to be a young lady of around 28.
I just want to say…hey whoever you are…Thanks a lot!

Issue Topics- GRE

2008-06-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

The issue topics I wrote about in my GRE class. I was appreciated by my teacher for my essays and got the highest score in the class. I was so elated then and went to treat myself with paneer fried rice. I have a flair for creative writing. Maybe I will become a column writer for a reputed newspaper like 'The Hindu' or 'The Indian Express' some day. I wish there is a 'Aparna's column' just like 'Paul Krugman's column'. In my school days too, I could see the satisfied smiles from my English teacher whenever my essays would be up the desk for correction.

1) ''If a goal is worthy, then any means taken to achieve it is justifiable'
In this fast paced world, people have seemed to have broken their ties with ethics and morals. Froth has formed on ethical temperament and reasoning which is preventing them to perceive and acknowledge the conspicuous variation between fair and unfair means. People hardly take time to evaluate their deeds and give a second thought to the question “Is this unfair path I’ve chosen to achieve my goal really worthy?”
World renowned personality Mahatma Gandhi truly quoted ‘They say the means are after all just means. I would say means are after all everything. As the means, so the end.’
Pure goals can never justify impure or violent action.The end justifies the means. So, I would have to say that I believe that the goal is less important than the means because doing the morally correct thing is what makes the end worthwhile. Ghandhi’s noble means of non-violence in envisioning the goal of independent India alone broke us free from the shackles of British clutches as against to the violent means adopted by many other freedom fighters.
According to me there can exist no unworthy goal. Goal is the purpose we live for, and we strive for it by all means possible – fair or unfair. To assert that even unfair means adopted to achieve a goal can be justified is a mistaken idea and has a flawed reasoning.
A person who adopts unjust means to achieve a goal will have to regret at some point of his life. His pricking guilt conscience doesn’t allow him to relish his success. He will soon realise that this unjust means of achieving a goal is ignoble. As opposed to this if a person strives hard on the right and honest path, though he won’t achieve his goal, he realises that his efforts were worth it and he will have an innate satisfaction about his pains regardless of his gains.
For instance, in an exam if a student secures even a university rank by malpractice it will be of meagre value. On the contrary if he attempts the questions fair and square, he can analyse his performance and the areas he requires thorough preparation. This realisation is much more valuable than his securing a university rank.
All goals seem worthy enough to oneself. There’s no question of an unworthy goal. A thief steals with a good aim of feeding his wife and children and convinces himself that he is doing nothing erroneous. In the name of Almighty terrorists from Pakistan commit brutal crimes and kill innocent laymen. For them ‘Jihad’ is a holy war and a noble end and means in itself. They christen themselves to be ‘warriors of the god’. I often wonder how merciless killings can and mayhem be justifiable in the name of ‘Jihad’? A terrorist would adopt immoral means which lacks code of ethics. He is blindfolded and fails to distinguish the crystal-clear contrast between just and unjust. He will be under the aegis of the worthiness of the motives and commit many atrocities in the excessive fanatism of seeking his goal. Though it may seem noble enough to him, he will not be granted amnesty. Our legal system and constitution doesn’t justify unfair means and sees to that a wrong-doer is convicted however pure his goals may be.

Maharastrian fanatics of ‘ shiv sena’, feel that people foreign to Maharastra from north and south India had migrated to Mumbai. They are angry that Maharastrian customs and Marathi language are at stake due to cosmopolitanism. They feel that Marathi locals face competition at schools, colleges and offices for admission and jobs and are breached of their prerogatives. It is an invasion into their culture and encroachment into their land. They presume that others are inflicting north and south Indian customs into their’s. As a result Maharastra is losing its true identity and its culture has become amorphous. They show their outburst of anger and resentment and resort to evil means in the defence of their goal of securing and reviving Maharastrian identity. They claim themselves to be ‘sons of soil’ and forge ahead to any extent in driving away foreigners from their land. Their means can’t be justified.
The LTT group of Sri Lanka want a separate province for tamilians in Sri Lanka. They employ violent killings ad heinous crimes to achieve their goal. Instead they should proceed legally, fight elections and then form a government in Sri Lanka.
Maoists and naxalites in A.P, Orissa etc. commit gruesome crimes to achieve proper wealth distribution and reduce the discrepancies between have’s and have- not’s. They cogent themselves saying that their goal is pious and pure. No doubt about it. But the path they have chosen must be pure enough too. Following this, thefts of Robin hood who stole from the rich to distribute the wealth among the poor should be frowned upon.
American government presided by Bush suspected that Iraq was harbouring many lethal weapons. In order to seize them and disarm Saddam Hussein, America waged a war against Iraq which claimed many lives, blood and wealth. Many families were left bereft. This created many Osama Bin Ladens who out of retaliation and vengeance blasted the twin towers and the pentagon. Diamond cuts diamond. Violence seeks violence. Peace invites peace. They say ‘where there’s a will there’s a way’. True, if there’s a burning desire to achieve a goal, there will be million, but not one means of achieving it. But the means should be fair and just. Instead of violence America should have had negotiated and brought pressure on Iraq’s economy by creating economic restrictions and cutting down export supplies with which eventually Iraq would have been compelled to surrender.

In some instances people adopt cruel and cunning means. The classic example of this can be dated back to Greek history when Greece after years of trying to conquer Troy finally gave up and gifted a horse to Troy. Actually the Trojan horse was a dubious plot to trick the Trojans. Troy was burnt to the ground. I agree that ‘everything is fair in love and war’ but this earned the Greece a derogatory reputation till date. This gave birth of the abashing adage’ Beware of Greeks bearing gifts’. Many historians criticise their conduct even today.

Foe research and clinical trials many animals like guinea pigs and rabbits are sacrificed for experiments and for a noble cause of breakthrough invention in medicine and science. This is very inhumane and government has imposed a ban on animal tested products.

Some day or the other cruel means adopted will pay and will lead to one’s own downfall. A student doing malpractice in exam has good chances of getting caught and get debarred. Sprtstars like Jesse Owens who win race by energy boosters will be debarred from sports and earn a bad reputation not only to themselves but to the zeal of sportsmanship itself.
People only recognize and appreciate honesty and sincerity. Sania Mirza may not be World No.1 but she is still bolstered and cheered worldwide. Even if she loses the game people will encourage her but if she won a championship with the aid of steroids, the same people will despise her.
For each one of them their goal seemed worthy enough to themselves, but the unjust path chose by them got them bad reputation and they certainly will have qualms about their deeds tomorrow if not today.
If unfair means is justifiable then the world would be full of terrorists and anti-social elements spreading antipathy and animosity in the sole misconception and fallacy that to achieve their goal the wrong path trodden by them can be excused.. Hence ‘honesty is the best policy’. Only honest means to achieve a goal is justifiable.

2) ' An academic discipline alters the way we percieve the world. After studying the discipline we see the same world as before but with different eyes.'
Knowledge is an abstract matter which we acquire in the ongoing process of our life, meant to fabricate our thoughts, conduct, ideas, perception and senses in a matured and polished way. The sources from which one can imbibe knowledge can be academics, history, environment, from people, culture, sports field, nature etc. We later extract these fragments of knowledge by divulging into the layered depths of our minds and conflate it in a way the situation demands, when we confront with various circumstances in life. Academics are meant to lend morality to our demeanor and thoughts, provide etiquette and healthy habits, prepare us with the technical and vocational skills required to pursue our career and to win daily bread, and to equip ourselves with all the tools required to confront with situations in life.
According to me it is fully justified, to assert that academics transform the way we perceive the world. We see the world like never before in a different angle. Academics fine tunes our personality. It is affirmatory that academics provide rose-colored spectacles to our sight and by devouring these spectacles, we see the intricate details of facts, and clear and cogent explanations given by science for the questions of ‘how’ and ‘why’. We no longer see the hazy world and blurred doubts of an inacademic. Instances which we couldn’t understand or interpret earlier attain a newer meaning and conceptualization. Academics molds our mind and we start to ponder over real life situations from a different view point. Images converge and diverge to our eyes for our mind to assimilate and interpret in a matured way. We can offer explanations for the most inexplicable and perplexing mysteries of the world for which without the academic chiseling of the mind we would wonder of the plausible reasons.

Often, as a child, I would get scared of the very thought of what would happen if I traveled to the end of the world. Would I just tip off the cliff and get sunken in the murky inferno below? After I attended my academic classes it was reassuring to know that our earth is not flat and I would return to the same place from where I started. I also remember wondering how suddenly a blooming flower would metamorphoses into a plump fruit. I later came to know that it happens so due to pollination of bees.

Without academics rising and setting of sun, the day-night cycle, changing of seasons, the rainbow, and the rain will be considered to be divine manifestations of the Almighty. An academic on the other hand understands that the rising and setting of sun, and day-night cycle are due to rotation of the earth, change of seasons is due to revolution of earth, rainbow is yet another case involving physics principles of refraction of light rain through the rain drops and rain is due to evaporation-condensation-precipitation of water from water bodies. An academic knows that gleaming pearls are nothing but mere sand particles entrapped in an oyster and shining diamonds are nothing other than an allotropic form of unimpressive coal.
People without academic fabrication of their minds would be innocent, ignorant and superstitious. For an inacademic with no knowledge of geography floods are angry deluge of gods. Earthquakes, whirlpools and storms are the manifestations of evil spirits playing havoc on mankind. Where as, a learned has a different insight towards these mishaps. He has learnt that earthquakes are just seismic and tectonic plate disturbances, floods occur when rivers are overfed with rains and, storms and whirlpools arise due to wind current disturbances. He even has knowledge on how to prevent these predicaments and equips himself to safety.
Chicken-pox and leprosy patients were once preconceived that their souls were ingested by evil forces and they were battered upon mercilessly to drive away these spirits. This precognition resulted in more misery to the already miserable patient. With science and technology included in our academic curriculum, we now have adequate knowledge to prevent and cure many diseases.
An academic understands his responsibility towards his society, contributes to the progress of mankind, is mentally and physically healthy, differentiates between just and unjust, understands his purpose of life and has knowledge on his prerogatives and duties. On the contrary a person who is not shaped with the academic bent of mind wanders off in this world without understanding his duties. He doesn’t ‘live’ but merely ‘survives’. It would be crucial to bring this difference into limelight. Men are created to ‘live’ actively and be responsible by utilizing each second of his life fruitfully, where as animals are genetically predisposed to equip themselves with basic instinctive knowledge which is inherited from parents to their off springs just to ‘survive’ life and pass their lives on earth.
An inacademic may not understand the function of T.V and stares blandly at the images screened, wondering how come he is able to watch a cricket match happening in Leeds from his own home. On the contrary a person with academic knowledge knows that the images are transmitted by satellites to cable stations which later reach the T.V tubes. He knows the mechanic and electronic circuits operating in it. He can even repair any faults in T.V. With academic learning innovations, inventions and discoveries become possible. The heights of the skies and depths of the ocean can be conquered and are no longer distant dreams.
Without academics there would be no explanation as to why a chameleon changes its colors, why a firefly emits light, why a flower is so richly colorful, why tides soar high on a full-moon day, why moon changes its phases, how babies are born, how was life created on earth………An inacademic may think that man had suddenly dropped onto the earth from nowhere and believes in legends of Adam and Eve. But a person with knowledge on anthropology appreciates Darwin’s theory of evolution and that we are just advanced creations of apes!
In conclusion, if a person is inculcated with academic discipline, he is lent with rose-colored spectacles to see the world in a crystal-clear way and hence he strides ahead with confidence. While a person who is not learned will see the world in a murky way and he toddles with uncertainty.